Bozo's Breakfast

2010

2010-02-22T08:41:00.001-05:00

I just thought I should post something this year. Hey I have like 437 posts, you think I'm gonna keep this up forever?

Tinfoil Hats and Connecting Dots

2009-11-13T05:10:00.004-05:00

From the Dept. of Conspiracy and Overall Bad Vibes That There Is More Than Meets The Eye:

Not too long ago I remember their being a terrorist attack in Iran in which about 42 people were killed including many high ranking Republican Guard officers. The U.S., Britain, and Pakistan were explicitly blamed by the Revolutionary Guard and Government of Iran. They claimed to have documents proving the connection. The following quote is taken from a NY Times article entitled, "Iran Blames U.S. and Britain in Attack"

Mohammad Ali Jafari, the Guards’ commander in chief, told the semiofficial ISNA agency on Monday: “Behind this scene are the American and British intelligence apparatus, and there will have to be retaliatory measures to punish them,” adding that Iran had documents proving their and Pakistani involvement." President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised “that those who committed such criminal and inhuman acts will receive their response soon,”

On November 5th, 2009 a muslim Army psychiatrist "snapped" and killed 13 people at Ft. Hood army base in Killeen Texas. According to news reports he is now,

"awake and talking."

Then, just the other day, came reports of a suicide attack on the Pakistani Intelligence Agency.

Today, Nov. 12th, the U.S. seized 4 mosques and a high-rise office building said to be owned by Iran, whose rental income funded the mosques and Islamic schools connected to the mosques.

Also today, the U.S. signed a military cooperation deal with Yemen.

Our dear old friends in Yemen have, according to the news report,

"... accused religious institutions in Iran of funding and backing Shi'ite rebels in northern Yemen..."

Oh also in today's news from our dear old friends in Yemen:

"A radical American imam who communicated with the Fort Hood shooting suspect and called him a hero was once arrested in Yemen on suspicion of giving religious approval to militants to conduct kidnappings. Yemeni authorities are now hunting for Anwar al-Awlaki to determine whether he has al-Qaida ties.

All of this makes me wonder what the Ft. Hood shooter is "talking" about now that he's awake. Anyway, if this doesn't make any sense to you just click the links and read the related articles, maybe then you'll see where I'm coming from.

The question I'm raising is: is there a connection between the attack in Iran, the Ft. Hood shooting, the military cooperation deal with Yemen to go after Shiite rebels etc...

Update: As of today, the U.S. is now saying there is no military cooperation deal with Yemen, and Iran is once again beginning to cooperate on shipping nuclear fuel out of the country. Maybe they got their revenge and are back to doing business? Who the fuck knows. But everything we try to do in that part of the world ends up a disaster and comes back to bite us in the ass big-time. So maybe we should just leave them the fuck alone?

Scary F'ing Thing

2009-03-24T19:14:00.000-04:00

Back Home On The Ranch

2009-03-20T11:43:00.001-04:00

It's An Adjustment

2009-03-07T04:38:00.001-05:00

This recession, which in my opinion is now a DEPRESSION, is really neither. It is an adjustment... a correction if you will. It is almost exactly like a baseball slugger coming off of steriods. For a few years he seems almost unbelievable in terms of his production. Meanwhile, the rest of us quickly come to accept this new, superhuman standard as the norm.

Then, for whatever reason, he comes off the juice and his numbers nosedive. At first people call it a slump, then they begin to speculate if there's some kind of injury, or if it's just age, but really we all know it's that he's not taking 'roids anymore.

Our economic system has been on steroids for years now. Decades. Everything that I find repulsive about American life is a byproduct of this era.

(For more details on things I find repulsive about American life please see this entire blog.)

In a way it could ultimately lead to a more balanced, stable world, though one less uber-dominated by the United States.

I for one welcome less corporate influence in our lives.

John Stewart Hits The Nail On The Head

2009-03-05T09:34:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

This entire episode is a must watch. Someone finally digested the financial mess and put a bow on their explanation. Cick title for link to entire episode.

You're Sitting In A Chair In The Sky...

2009-02-27T02:12:00.003-05:00

Click the link for a funny ass video.

The Amen Break

2009-02-24T17:36:00.001-05:00

Great video about the origin of drum and bass.

Radiohead

2009-02-21T13:54:00.004-05:00

Radiohead filmed their new video without cameras using lasers to record data etc... It's really cool and you can play around with the images and change them up. Click the title for the link to play around with it. It's also an awesome song.

Is Anyone Paying Attention To This?

2009-02-18T10:12:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what the sign says but I think it's something along the lines of "Dear Jews, Fuck you - Turkey." If you click the title and follow the link you will read about a conference of Muslim clerics planning the next jihad or front in the war FOR terror. All of this takes place in Turkey which most people think will be admitted into the EU shortly. I hope somebody in our intelligence services has taken note of this.

Barack Obama To House Republicans...

2009-02-09T10:51:00.001-05:00

No really, apparently someone took this from one of his audiobooks. I can't believe they didn't use this during the campaign. Anyway, it's great.

The Christian Bale Series

2009-02-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

Here's a few of my favorite Christian Bale rant clips. The first is the original, followed by the inevitable remixes etc...

The Original.

Bale Dance Remix.

Bale Vs. Oreilly.

Christian Bale Flips Out On Mom.

A Great Website

2009-02-07T14:04:00.003-05:00

Banksy, the UK graffiti artist. It's fun browsing through his website.

"Stardom Stinks"

2009-02-03T22:11:00.001-05:00

Brad Pitt just gave an interview to Newsweek about what a drag being rich and famous is. And I have to admit, I would get tired of banging the most beautiful women in the world and making tens of millions of dollars too. Ok, Ok, I'm sure what he was lamenting was the paparrazi and the lack of privacy. All I can say is there's not too many people who wouldn't trade places with Brad Pitt. So, do yourself a favor dude, shave that stupid mustache and shut the fuck up!

Impressions

2009-01-26T21:21:00.007-05:00

I woke up early on Sunday morning and popped a couple of vicodins I had shanghai-ed earlier from a friend. Word to the wise, if you have a long drive to make, do your best to wake up early, eat a very light breakfast and take some painkillers. You will find yourself having a most pleasant drive.

I listened to classical music on the way down. No traffic. A breeze.

I had basically no plan at all and all things considered my plan worked to perfection.

I parked my car in a parking deck in Bethesda, MD (a suburb of DC) fearing the massive crowds, congestion and chaos that was sure to come with the inaugural mob. I just kept asking and following people till I found the Metro (subway).

A descent into the DC metro is like stepping into a scene from the movie "Gattica."

Everything was clean, efficient, and antiseptic. Quite a culture shock for someone used to the grimy underworld of the NYC subway system.

I latched onto some obvious Obama supporters and made my way down to the National Mall.

It was Monday, Martin Luther King Day. I wandered the Mall and checked out all the memorials and monuments. The PA system played clips of the "I Have A Dream Speech," and Kennedy's inaugural speech and it was quite stirring to walk along the frozen reflecting pool of the Washington monument hearing these echoes of the past reverberate amongst the monuments of endless struggle while realizing we were about to cross a new threshold.

I had planned to get up before dawn on the day of the inauguration but ended up getting drunk and playing guitar with my cousin and having a great old time the night before. So, I took the latest possible train that morning and arrived just in time to be about 2 miles from history.

The crowd was thick. The cold snapped you to attention and made frivolity and raucousness out of the question. It was the best crowd control you could have hoped for.

One thing I began to notice more and more was that black women definitely did not get the memo about fur being un-PC. And frankly, I could give a shit but let me tell you, they were decked out in their Sunday best and that meant FUR! It was like Ali/Frazier times a million.

But everyone was cool. There was not one shithead in that whole crowd of millions of people. It's hard to fathom that many people gathering and behaving so well. It was a great show of respect for the exemplary way in which Barack Obama conducted himself throughout the long campaign.

Even when Bush was announced people started booing and the woman in front of me said, "No, no, that's not what Barack wants." And she was right.

We were so far away you could barely hear what was going on. Despite all the liberal misgivings about Rick Warren I felt his invocation was entirely heartfelt and sincere and I appreciated it.

We were so far away you had to strain to hear. When Barack began his address the crowd huddled together and fell silent. I wanted it to be a transcendent moment but in truth it was just a speech. As soon as it was over everyone was like, "Let's get the fuck out of here it's cold, he's president hallelujah."

I think it's better that way. He didn't try to lift us into ecstatic glory, he was all business. But someday, I'll be proud to say, "I was there."

He Would Approve.

2009-01-26T17:52:00.002-05:00

2009-01-26T17:47:00.002-05:00

Simon Bolivar

2009-01-26T17:45:00.003-05:00

Something I didn't expect to find, a statue of Simon Bolivar smack dab in the middle of the National Mall in DC.

Millions of Cold Happy People

2009-01-26T17:40:00.002-05:00

White Guilt Relieved!

2009-01-26T17:36:00.003-05:00

That might as well have been the headline. Click the photo for a better view.

Weird NJ Part 2

2009-01-15T16:58:00.001-05:00

Adolph Hitler taken from parents. The saga continues... Click title for the link.

Weird NJ

2008-12-17T09:57:00.002-05:00

Click the link for an article about a guy who named his son: Adolph Hitler Campbell. Then got pissed when he tried to get a birthday cake inscribed, "Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler," and was denied. Imagine, discrimination like that in this day and age. I mean how could they not give the little boy his birthday cake? What are they... Nazis?

Brain Cramps... Help!!!

2008-12-12T18:58:00.003-05:00

Everytime I see the word "Blagojevich" my brain feels like it's going to have a seizure. And then when I hear it pronounced "Blag-o-yo-vich" I just about keel over. "It-just-doesn't-look-right," I say to myself in my best William Shatner impression as I stagger away from the TV. Just go to fucking jail already so we can stop trying to prounounce your name.

Bail Me Out (Of This Bullshit)

2008-12-05T22:42:00.003-05:00

I couldn't resist titling this post as if it were a country song, parentheses and all.

Let me just lay it out there: the American economy is bloated. We have been living with "It's vacation you can do what you want!" rules for the last 8-15 years. The reason poor people have flat screen TVs and diabetes is because money has been easier than a Chinese sex slave since the Dow past 8,000.

We don't need all the shit we have. Our economy has been behaving like a linebacker on steriods ever since globalization seriously took root.

We don't need 5 cell phone companies all offering the same exact thing. We don't need 27 different brands of shampoo. We don't need to suffer through automated customer service systems just so our complaints can eventually be dumped off to some irritating netherworld of pseudo-efficiency.

We don't need strip malls on every block of every highway in America. It's the same shit no matter where you go.

We need to come back to earth and start working together again.

With every American job we lose, I say to myself, "Boy if we only had those 10+million jobs we gave to illegal immigrants as we turned a blind eye, we'd be alright."

But I can't blame them or hold a grudge. They were only doing what any of us would do, what we have been taught to do... go where the money is.

Except, now there is no money. The house of cards has fallen. Maybe now our culture, preceded by our economy, can go back to a more understandable, more tangible, more authentic form.

Sharia Law In Britain

2008-11-22T16:36:00.003-05:00

Admittedly, I'm a little late weighing in on this one. The U.K. just approved the use of Sharia (Islamic) law in place of British law in civil matters (divorce etc...). Normally, I'm a little to the left of Fidel Castro but I'm not so sure about this one.

It could either be a stroke of genius or a disaster. It will either be a catalyst for assimilation, and defuse tensions, or be a crack in the door for hostile and alien forces. While I don't mind kosher or halal regulations on food, right now I'm inclined to believe that we should all be held accountable to the same laws.

Pardon Me

2008-11-22T02:37:00.004-05:00

This week marks the Thanksgiving holiday. Undoubtedly, at some point during this time I will drink too much, begin making speeches along the lines of Attorney General Mukasey, and in general make someone uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. So, in advance, I ask that I, like that one lucky turkey, be granted a pardon. Thank you.

P.S. I heard Dick Cheney shoots his own turkeys.

Obama Taps Clinton

2008-11-22T02:22:00.003-05:00

I actually heard that as a verbal headline on Fox News. I couldn't stop laughing. There's been a slew of headlines and lead stories along the lines of, "Obama Set To Tap Clinton, Bill Stands In The Way."

Damn right he does. I wouldn't let the Prez tap my wife either. For anything.

Payback.

2008-11-21T20:29:00.010-05:00

Note the disturbingly chipper tone of the narrator. It almost sounds as if he's... mocking us? Must be Canadian. Fucker. We'll come there and chop down all your trees and steal your maple syrup. Then where will you be huh? Running back into the arms of your daddy.

(P.S. I would love to hear Richard Perle's reaction to this. He once famously predicted that there would be a "grand square" in Baghdad named after Bush. Here's a link to the audio clip via my own post from 2004. He said this in Sept. 2003. Listen to it, and appreciate the awesomeness of being that wrong.)

Eternal Vigilance

2008-11-05T00:56:00.011-05:00

"Eternal Vigilance is the price of liberty." - Wendell Phillips

Those of us who have been living with a background of visceral discomfort, obsessing over the endless transgressions against the bedrock principles with which we were inculcated, and have been disgusted by their forthcoming consequences -each and every one, epic in proportion- have finally, decisively, and with unprecedented enthusiasm, repudiated the despicable hypocrisy, rampant incompetence, and reckless endangerment which has permeated the decisions of this past administration.

In short, "it's been a long, long time coming, but change 'gone come." Sang Sam Cooke.

I was privileged to witness the outpouring of joy that spilled into the streets of my home city, New Brunswick, NJ when news of Mr. Obama's victory broke. Much of the euphoria can be attributed to the significance of a person with black skin attaining the highest, most powerful, most influential position in the world today.

It would be ridiculous to deny the symbolic significance and real impact of a black man getting elected President of a country whose founding fathers owned slaves, and whose founding documents declared that a black person's life was worth "3/5ths" that of a white person.

I think now, that for my entire life, I've been force-fed nothing but crap from our presidents.

The first president I remember was Reagan. Even as a kid I remember thinking, "This guy doesn't even know what the hell is going on." I also remember thinking at that time that it was the people who had the real power, not the government.

Then came Bush, aka Pappy. Who only seems like a half-decent human being when compared to his retarded jack russel terrier of a son.

I always thought that Clinton was full of shit. I realize now that I was somewhat influenced by the false narrative promulgated by the vast right wing conspiracy. Still, he lacked authenticity, (a moral value which I value greatly), and appeased the greedy and bellicose forces of the right with some of his economic policies. He also encouraged corporatism, which has run rampant like a steroid fueled slugger for the last 15 or so years. While the rising tide did lift many boats, the great flood also drowned out the voices and aspirations of many people who wished to "form a more perfect union" through spiritual, intellectual, and artistic development, not just economic striving.

Then came President George W. Bush. The worst president in American history.

You know what happened, I won't rehash it for you. Let's just say it was awful. A terrible time to be an American.

Now, finally we can move on.

If you refer back to the first post in the illustrious history of this blog, you will find that it was founded with the intention of countering all of these awful forces that have overwhelmed us for the past several years.

Now, the pendulum has swung back in favor of decent, rational people and it's tempting to retire. However, I know those weasels are still out there and always will be, so we must remain eternally vigilant, that is the price of our liberty.

Now go have a beer. You deserve it.

Election Update!!

2008-10-27T02:44:00.008-04:00

Okay, here's what happened today. Us forces killed 8 people in an attack on Syria for the first time ever. We bombed Pakistan (20 dead +/-). Bill Kristol wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Times titled: "Time To Attack," detailing how McCain should re-emphasize his Commander in Chief bonafides. Unfortunately, some fleet fingered editor over at the NYT changed the title of the piece before I could grab a screen shot. (I guess they didn't want us to think there was any kind of coordination or collusion between Bill Kristol, the McCain campaign, and the U.S. military. (Not that we ever would.) Gas Prices recorded their steepest price drop EVER. Ahmadinejad of Iran fame became weak from exhaustion and was pictured being more or less carried out of some Death-to-America lovefest like a 13 year old girl at a Michael Jackson concert. Thousands of people were purged from voter rolls in Georgia, god knows how many across the country. Sarah Palin sang "Red Neck Woman" at a rally. Barack Obama chanted in spanish, "Si Se Puede" (yes we can) before a crowd of "well over" 100,000 people in Colorado. 5th grader Damon Weaver declared Joe Biden his "homeboy."

They're playin' for keeps people.

See if the polls move towards McCain in battleground states. The tail has wagged the dog.

This Man Layed Hands On Sarah Palin

2008-10-06T18:52:00.004-04:00

Truth be told, I wouldn't mind laying my hands on her either. This man (who is a witch hunter from Kenya) performed a sort of "exorcism" on Sarah Palin. I'm not kidding. It's not like her head spins around or anything but seriously, is this what you want a heartbeat away from the presidency when the president is 72 and has a history of cancer and other health problems?

Here's a recap of what he said in case you spaced out, "The more violent you become, the more commited you become, the quicker you will see things happen in this region."

Yikes.

...In His Own Words...

2008-10-06T12:42:00.000-04:00

Say Hello To The Eye In The Sky

2008-10-01T18:06:00.001-04:00

WASHINGTON -- The Department of Homeland Security will proceed with the first phase of a controversial satellite-surveillance program, even though an independent review found the department hasn't yet ensured the program will comply with privacy laws.

Congress provided partial funding for the program in a little-debated $634 billion spending measure that will fund the government until early March. For the past year, the Bush administration had been fighting Democratic lawmakers over the spy program, known as the National Applications Office.

The program is designed to provide federal, state and local officials with extensive access to spy-satellite imagery -- but no eavesdropping -- to assist with emergency response and other domestic-security needs, such as identifying where ports or border areas are vulnerable to terrorism.

Click link for whole story from Wall Street Journal.

America Needs A Shrink

2008-09-23T13:48:00.019-04:00

Conservatism is dead. At least, it should be. The strongest fiber running through conservative ideology, the core if you will, was the notion of government NOT interfering in business. It was, above all else, orthodox capitalism.

Oh well, we can throw that out the window.

Now the truth of conservatism is revealed for what it really is: A group of people who agree to agree, no matter what. Facts, history, science and consequences are all irrelevant. Common sense be damned, all that matters is solidarity with one another. It is truly a confederacy of dunces.

This cancer has metastasized in the breast of the American spirit. It is hardened, lethal, and spreads if unchecked.

In fact, you could argue that because of the constant obstructions of conservatives the progress of the world and even all of humanity have been held back.

Since facts, history, science and consequences are all irrelevant to the conservatives what then is the point of arguing with them?

That's why we always lose.

They will never reform, there won't be any awakening. They will simply cling to one another until the Armageddon they so fervently pray for happens.

Again, I cannot emphasize enough, their only strength is solidarity. From the lowly talk show caller to the president and all through the ranks their only refuge is in each other.

Why?

In my opinion, almost all of their reactionary tendencies are rooted in fear. They are simply afraid. They are not necessarily cowards, but deep, deep down, they are all afraid. There is some scientific evidence backing up this theory. The study quoted below measured the body's involuntary fear response to certain stimuli. The results were statistically significant and very intriguing. Consider this:

"In the study, the scientists recruited 46 volunteers living in Lincoln, Nebraska, all of whom had strong political beliefs. They were asked for their opinions on a wide variety of controversial issues. All the questions concerned social or international issues, rather than economic matters.

The participants were then given two laboratory tests, to establish their physiological responses to frightening or unexpected stimuli. In the first test, they viewed 33 images, three of which were distressing or threatening: a large spider on the face of a frightened person; a dazed person with a bloody face; and maggots in an open wound. The scientists measured the electrical conductance of the skin, a standard measure of distress and arousal.

In the second test, the volunteers were subjected to a loud, unexpected noise, with scientists measuring the involuntary blinking that followed. A strong startle response is indicative of heightened fear and arousal. The results, which are published in the journal Science, revealed significant differences in both responses, which corresponded with people’s political views. Those with “markedly lower physical sensitivity to sudden noises and threatening visual images” tended to support liberal positions, while those with strong responses tended to be more conservative.

This would fit with the hypothesis that people who have more fearful responses to perceived threats are more likely to be conservative, while those who have weaker responses develop more liberal views."

What Are They Really So Afraid Of?

I don't know, the mind of the conservative has always been opaque to me. For the life of me I could never understand what makes these people tick.

But from this reservoir of collective fear many hateful, backwards, reckless, and incompetent actions have sprung which have harmed many people.

What Can Be Done About It?

I don't know, these people need more than just a hug.

Iraq War veterans with Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder are often treated by gradually exposing themselves to the things that trigger a fight/flight response and (it is hoped) by immersion and therapy any disproportionate or irrational reactions are watered down to the point that they are manageable.

Perhaps conservatives should be outfitted with virtual reality goggles and sent to do a little window shopping in the West Village.

"Oh my god it's a gay couple... RUN!!!"

In all seriousness, I think the three pronged, 24hr. cable news assault is the perfect fuel for the subconscious conservative fire.

Since shutting them down is unrealistic I think the only way to coax conservatives out of their bomb shelters is through some kind of foreign exchange program in their formative years. If all Americans were immersed in and forced to adapt to a different culture for a fixed period of time I believe it would burst the bubble enough for a little light to shine through.

I am not the first person to suggest this, I am merely walking you through my thought process. It just seems to me that we keep investing all of our energy into fighting them on the political front and we keep losing. While we must maintain that front we should open up another flank. We will never convince them and they will never change their mind. We must find a way to facilitate experiences for them that will open their hearts and minds because of their own discovery. Only then will the pathways of critical thinking and empathy appear to them as alternatives to the head-in-the-sand, lifeboat mentality.

I Think We're Dead

2008-09-12T18:35:00.001-04:00

How did I miss this?

President/Hockey Mom

2008-09-12T15:45:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else worry about a self-described "hockey-mom" having the gravitas to be commander-in-chief?

Ex: "Settle down right now or I'm stopping the car! Then I'l nuke ya' like some leftover moose!"

Can you picture Sarah "Bush Doctrine?" Palin negotiating with foreign leaders? I can't.

Watch her not know what the Bush Doctrine is below. Even I know what it is and I don't run a goddamn thing. But I occassionaly read things besides the Bible and abstinence literature.

Sons Of Liberty

2008-09-03T21:50:00.021-04:00

The true objective of protest is not to manifest change, but to be heard. The success of one group always comes at the expense of another. At least it is so perceived. The only way to break the energetic log-jam of disenfranchisement is to hurl terrible anathemas against the status quo. If the vanguard attack is met with some support then the manipulators can set up shop and the cycle continues.

Our political evolution is not marked by increased civility but rather by more antiseptic versions of the Molotov cocktail, the tar-and-feathers, and the Boston tea party.

Unfortunately, the more desperately people want to be heard the less willing they are to listen. They only become more craven in their attempts to hijack the pulpit. The more raucous the clamor for change the more daring its aspiring agents become, like seagulls stealing half eaten sandwiches from your beach blanket.

While these opportunists are easily scared off, they embolden the mob and soon enough the whole place is robbed blind and covered in shit.

An intelligent person (an oxymoron if there ever was one) might logically conclude that the whole fucking thing is pointless and throw their hands up. Escape is an attractive illusion. The thing is, like everything else, it gets old, and becomes just another backwater.

So then what? Intervention, rehab, rejuvenation? Just another platform for people who want to be heard rather than listen. Only this time it's you being bombarded by Molotov cocktails, tarred and feathered, and thrown overboard. The cycle continues.

The Buddha said,

"As a bee gathers honey from the flower, without harming its color or fragrance, even so a sage moves about the village."

- endquote.

What then?

The garden of life is full of weeds, parasites, and flowers. It is planted, grows, and dies. In between it may bear fruit or die from disease and neglect.

Anarchy and disorder can only till and fertilize the soil, while obsession may whittle away and neuter its harvest.

Expect to be stung. Mankind's thirst for truth is matched only by his contempt for it.

Practically speaking, what the fuck can you do?

Sing your song, as well as you can, be good and take care, as it stands in stark contrast to a world of mediocracy and endless repetition.

As Woody Guthrie once penned in a letter to Pete Seeger:

"Dear Pete,

Go fuck yourself.

-Woody."

Get Some...

2008-09-03T21:28:00.002-04:00

In the spirit of equal time, here is a clip is from the RNC in Minneapolis/St. Paul. By the way, can they just pick one or the other for Christ's sake. Why do we always have to say both? Anyway, watch the protesters "get some."

Personally, I think this stuff is more interesting than Sarah Palin's daughter's baby daddy. The cops live for these conventions, they finally get to use all of their anti-terrorist training (against lawful American protesters).

Back It Up Bitch

2008-09-03T21:10:00.005-04:00

This clip is from the Democratic National Convention. Watch freedom of speech in action. As well as its equal and opposite reaction, the freedom of the cops to kick your ass. Okay, that's not really in the constitution it's just the way things have always been and continue to be. Only now the pigs are smarter. Damn. This being America, the filmmaker here has naturally decided to try to capitalize on his 15 minutes of police brutality internet fame and market t-shirts commemorating the events shown in this video. GBA!

Generation Kill

2008-08-27T10:23:00.004-04:00

Despite the title of this HBO miniseries which sounds like some cheesy 8th grade band name I would've scribbled on a notebook cover, after watching all seven episodes of Generation Kill in order I have to conclude that it was probably the best thing I've ever seen on television. Better than John Adams. Better than the Sopranos.

The show was simply immaculate. No dramatic ploys, no Barber's Adagio strings (ala Platoon), no tearjerking, no metaphors, no allegories, no gratuitous violence or sex, no "where did it all go wrong?" message, no Clooney, Pitt, Damon, or Affleck, no Tom-Fucking-Hanks. It was simply an unblinking portrayal of a marine combat battalion during the initial invasion of Iraq.

I have never seen anything less touched by the stink of a director's ego or a star's personality. Yet it was anything but dry. This was not "No Country For Old Men." The dialogue was almost entirely supplied by the sarcastic, jaded, and utterly hilarious chatter between the men in the unit as they go about their business. Underneath that the radio communications with all their military jargon and acronyms added a subtle layer of realism. The action sequences were better than any $100 million Michael Bay schlockfest and brought the terror, confusion, and violence of a firefight right into your living room.

If there's any unifying thread throughout the show it's the amount of in-house bullshit these guys have to put up with while trying to kill an enemy and liberate a people who are indistinguishable. The command expends enormous effort chewing these guys out for their "moo-staches" and yet the men have no batteries for their night vision goggles, one meal a day, vague orders, and incompetent officers.

It's as close to the war as you and I are likely to get. Watch it.

Growth Removed From McCain's Face...

2008-07-29T03:34:00.002-04:00

Maybe it was his nose?

The Big Scoop

2008-07-22T23:45:00.013-04:00

I'd like to share with you my vast, silent majority a few prophecies for our unfolding epoch. I promise not to fill my manifesto with "Aha's", and "Presto!'s" like some armchair NYTimes Op-Ed writer. Some of these "prophecies" are really nothing more than wishful thinking but why not share them and hope all three of you will jump on the freedomwagon.

Fuel prices equal an increase in the cost of transportation. Although alot of our trade is nothing more than paper pushing, speculating, short selling, spit-swapping, circle jerk capitalism, much of it still bears some resemblance to good old barter. Specifically, I believe if gas prices continue to rise, local production, consumption (and trade) of commodities and goods will have to increase. Hopefully, this will roll back some of the vertigo inducing effects of globalization, foster community awareness, and restore some of our homegrown pride which is sagging like Bruce Springsteen's jowls (not to mention his ass) of late.

Additionally, the lower the value of the American dollar (which is sagging worse than Barbara Walter's face without a facelift) means that our exports become more attractive, providing further incentive for local production of goods.

You could compare the attitude of a nation to that of the fans of a baseball team. If you root for a team that invests heavily in free agents and that team succeeds you may become accustomed to success and expect it. However, when those investments inevitably falter the fans quickly turn against their team and acquire an attitude of cynicism and defeat. Sometimes the dissapointment of those failures can even overwhelm the joy of their initial success.

However, nothing brings more joy to the hearts of a team's fandom than that of a homegrown prospect rising up from the grass roots, through the minor leagues, and ultimately succeeding and bearing fruit at the major league level.

Similarly, Americans have become infatuated with free trade, home equity loans, cheap oil, borrowing from the Chinese, and cheap imports etc... These financial instruments have become the SUV's of capitalism. Up until now, the system has been working in our favor. Unfortunately, our big hitters are breaking down and it is no longer a given that our economy will win the pennant yet again.

The only answer is to turn our energy inwards. It is the mining of "American ingenuity" that will produce the great ideas, products, and advantages of the future. By calling up the young prospects we can ride out economic turbulence and restore pride in ourselves, overwhelming the political polarization that is currently paralyzing our progress.

With a little solidarity in the workforce the prevailing parties (Dems and Reps) will be forced to stop segmenting the American public by demographics and tailoring their messages to appeal to the broadest denominator. Life under the big umbrella may be dry and safe but nothing grows there and sooner or later, you have to move.

In short, hopefully we'll start eating the shit we grow, buying the shit we make, and selling whatever's left over. Maybe then everyone else will stop hating us and we'll start liking ourselves again.

Unintentionally Funny Headline

2008-06-26T11:31:00.003-04:00

What's funny about it? This headline from the New York Times describes the Milan Men's fashion show as, "All Masculinity, No Pretense" right above a picture of three of the gayest, most pretentious "men" you'll ever see. I mean seriously, if you saw some guy dressed like this walking around Home Depot (the real place for all masculinity, no pretense) you would fall on the floor laughing. Fashion is so horrible. I don't get it.

Good News (For A Change)

2008-06-18T20:15:00.002-04:00

Click title for the story.

Doug Stanhope

2008-06-05T18:51:00.002-04:00

I saw this guy on Showtime the other night. Here's a little clip. You really have to see the first 15 mins or so to appreciate the setup. I think he's like Bill Hicks re-incarnated, though not quite as qood. Still, there were some parts (not in the clip) about problems in relationships that could literally be taken word for word from every one I've ever had. It was pretty funny for me personally.

Popin' My Ride

2008-04-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

Free Blow!

2008-03-19T20:18:00.002-04:00

I know, I know, you're asking... "where?" Apparently, the CIA has revived some of it's old Latin American tactics in the name of our greater good and is now facilitating cocaine importation into the United States again. I plan on calling the Rev. Jeremiah Wright for comment. Here's the story or just click the title.

Death Metal Puppy

2008-03-14T16:36:00.002-04:00

Remember when we were kids and there was that story going around that Ozzy Ozbourne refused to play until the crowd stomped a puppy to death? Of course, it was total bullshit, but if that puppy were to actually materialize back from the dead I think he'd sound a lot like this.

Another Day, Another Shooting

2008-02-15T09:41:00.002-05:00

You know, these things don't even make headlines anymore. If it's less than five innocent dead people killed randomly by some deluded manifesto writer who gives a shit anyway? What I think we need is to arm every man woman and child to the teeth. Target practice should be mandatory, a part of gym class. Then of course, the kids could take out the teacher. Lord knows, they're easy targets. Bloviating failed football coaches with gout and dykes with diabetes that they are.

Also, every bible should come with a gun, and every pulpit should be flanked by two .50 caliber machine gun nests.

If, by some chance you should survive all this and make it to college, your risk of random death increases because you'll probably be all stoned and forget to load your gun before class, or too lazy to run from the fusillade of bullets coming your way.

Here's what I'm waiting for, some poor white house staffer, about to get canned or exposed for some petty scandal decides, "he ain't goin' out like that," and lays his vengeance upon them.

Maybe that will get someone's attention. Because thus far, I've heard ZERO leadership or even questions about the root causes of these now almost daily shooting sprees in the press or from the government.

Why This Picture Scares Me

2008-02-06T04:20:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes, it's the answer to that question you've all been asking, "Why does this picture scare Sean?"

I'll tell you why you motherfuckers. Because this picture radiates Reagen-ness, and the if the media somehow gets the idea that grandpa has come back from the great ranch in the sky to lead us into the tax free military defense contract promise land in the form of John McCain and his kind of hot wife Cindy we're all fucked.

The great unspoken question dwelling in the parts of our minds that were formed in fourth grade, before it became cool to question the past, revile the present, and disregard the future is this: can we really let a woman or a black guy lead us?

Of course, if you are a woman or black guy the answer to that question is probably not that much of a dilemna. Yet, for some reason the old white land owning male conventional wisdom prevails to this day. I don't know why.

Anyway, a picture like this fills me with a feeling of dread because I'm just waiting for the Tom Brokaw's and the Tim Russert's and such as the Iraq and South Africa and their latent, paternalistic, we know what's best for the country-hot mouth breathing-chest expanding-face reddening- horse shit instinct to kick in and throw inevitabilty into the Republicans camp simply because Barack Hussein Obama and Giant Hairy Clam Cunt-a-saurus aren't members of the country club. Fuck them all!

A Park In Botswana!!

2008-01-29T21:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah, he's retarded.

The Hefarted

2007-12-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

Hilarious video I stumbled across... it's a spoof of "The Departed" in case you didn't figure that out yet.

I Appreciate Mr. Fuck You Duh

2007-09-26T02:26:00.000-04:00

I can't wait for Bush's phonetic pronunciation of this guy's name.

Fiasco Fatigue

2007-09-09T13:00:00.000-04:00

Lately I've found myself not really giving a shit about the news. I remember way back in '03 when pseudo-fascism was sweeping the nation like some latin dance craze, I used to literally salivate when the faintest whiff of scandal in the Bush administration wafted out of Washington. I used to pray daily (at my keyboard), and nightly (after I jerked off) for the undressing, the destruction, the humiliation, the reconciling of all that was so heinously wrong with our country. I used to dream about our prophet, the voice of a generation, the personification of our culture -the empty-headedness, the venality, the hypocrisy, the blood lust, the greed, the jingoism, the sanctimoniousness, the commercialism, the living, breathing, Pope of fraudulence and falsity- Bush; dying a death by a thousand cuts as the glass house he occupied came crashing down, as massively and unmercifully as the twin towers that fueled his idiot juggernaut.

I wanted my ideals, and the laws of karma, to be proven true before all the world so that they would know that I was right, and they were wrong.

I remember way back in '04 when the Republican convention came to town. What an insult, what a slap in the face I took it to be. What hubris these motherfuckers have I thought. It inspired me to start this blog. I remember the sense of purpose I felt when I went to the protest, although, I never came close to losing myself in ecstatic righteous indignation a la the 60's. Although, I must confess to pipe dreams of being the next Stephen Stills.

I remember way back in '05 telling people what a bunch of corrupt closeted fags they all were. I remember feeling downright gay myself (in the joyous sense) as the truth started to come out.

'06 and '07 have been a slow motion avalanche of bad news for the power structure. I guess as I started to sense their vulnerability the potency of my anger dissipated. My focus wandered towards other things -pussy and baseball. Still they have their strength (the ability to prolong the war) and I have succumbed to its inevitability. I no longer get a lump in my throat when the hero's roll call (names of the dead soldiers) is recited on CNN. I simply change the channel, gravitating unwittingly towards the living-room-crack of ESPN sports highlights. I don't even watch the Daily Show and The Colbert Report as faithfully as I used to. I'm simply waiting for the end.

Peace.

Nothing's Shocking

2007-09-05T02:43:00.000-04:00

I was listening to NPR the other day, gliding down one of the smooth macadam routes of New Jersey back country in my new car. The air conditioning was blowing pleasantly in my face and my ass was readily accustomizing itself to the leather contours of the vehicle's interior while outside, a stifling humidity and heat waited.

Terri Gross was interviewing Alice Cooper. Listening to it, I guess you could say my ass was like Alice Cooper and Terri Gross was the humidity. Alice was lamenting how it's impossible to shock people nowadays (which probably explains why he was on "Fresh Air with Terri Gross" promoting his new book, "Golf Monster", as opposed to getting his head cut off onstage in Milwaukee.

Anyway, it occurred to me that yes, it's impossible to shock people in a provocative sense. Short of a terrorist attack or an assassination almost nothing can offend the senses of our masses anymore. You could of course wipe your ass with the bible and feed the pages to your audience but I don't think that would really take off in a popular sense.

The only way to shock people anymore is to be good. If you truly express your art with uncompromising diligence and style, you will shock people. They will remember that it's not all about has-been celebrities demeaning themselves on reality shows and so forth.

Why I Always Shit At Home

2007-08-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

Click title for link. When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's, the report said.

If I was Jeff Bagwell I'd be very hesitant to use a public restroom from now on.

The White Man

2007-08-27T01:03:00.000-04:00

You all know him. Perhaps even, you are one of them. But you are not him. He is a dumbass. He dances like a retard, dry fucking his equally retarded drunk girlfriend while the artist is performing. He drops his beer and doesn't give a shit that it splashes all over you. He wears his hat backwards. He just looks like a fucking moron. He takes many forms, but all of them are annoying. You wish you could get away from him. You wish other people would not identify you with him. But they do. He's like a shadow. Wherever you go, sooner or later you run into him. Sometimes he doesn't even speak english. Those guys are even worse. When you get a haircut you feel almost like him. It sucks. When you wear your hat backwards you must wear an obnoxious T-shirt to show everyone that you're not really him. But that only makes you more like him. Even though really, you couldn't be more estranged. Goddamn him.

I Am A Capitalist Pig

2007-08-27T00:36:00.000-04:00

I just bought this new car. I do not live in the neighborhood where this picture was taken however. I'm still keeping it real in that department. There is a certain undeniable rightness, a sensation of lukewarm pleasure that one finds oneself bathing in unabashedly as you drive down the smoothly paved asphalt streets, past the perfectly manicured lawns, cornering smartly as you exit one subdivision and enter the next. It's kind of like when someone gives you an extra percocet and you remember on Sunday that it's still in your pocket from the night before and you pop it, lying on the couch watching football, exulting in the mild euphoria and convenience of life in America when it works.

Things I Hate (in no particular order)

2007-08-16T02:19:00.000-04:00

1. Bush

2. Republicans

3. Work

4. Getting out of bed

5. Not getting laid

6. Life just generally sucking and not being as vivid and triumphant as I imagined it would be

7. The Cable News media

8. Not being famous

9. Not being rich

10. Bleu Cheese dressing

11. Traffic

12. Girls who can't spell.

13. The G string always going out of tune

14. Insomnia

15. Roomates girlfriends giving me advice

16. The Mets losing

17. The Mets winning and the Daily News still putting A-Rod going 0-4 on the back cover

18. 99% of the girls profiles on Match.com

19. The bougeousie mentality of so many people

20. Typing bougeousie.

21. The fact that I know and use that word more than a gay 7th grade summer school art teacher

22. My phone ringing

23. Open caskets

24. Mosquito bites

25. Moths

26. When they don't make my coffee absolutely perfect at Dunkin' Donuts

27. Neil Diamond

28. James Blunt

29. I kind of feel bad about Neil Diamond but not James Blunt

30. Coming down off of coke

31. When you're walking down the street and you don't know which way to step to avoid the other person

32. Not being able to make as much noise as I want anytime I want

33. Stubbing my toe

34. When you take a bad shit and your ass is either burning or feels like it's seeping for the whole rest of the day

35. "Yeah, and I'm Cyndi Lauper!"

36. Hipsters

37. People I went to High School with who think they're the shit for doing some pseudo-creative bullshit that gets a mention in some magazine when all they're really doing is laying one more turd on the giant compost that is alt-cult. (see above)

38. Self awareness

39. Humidity

40. Why do republicans' ears seem so red and pointy?

41. Waiting

The Future Not The Pasture

2007-08-13T17:36:00.001-04:00

...or so they say. Click title for link.

Back From Vacation

2007-08-05T01:04:00.000-04:00

Yeah. A week at the beach with the fam. I must say, sitting on the deck, looking out at the ocean, with the moon overhead, smokin' weed is pretty nice. During the daytime the parade of 15 and 16 year old ass was also pretty nice -though depressing- as it is now sadly, irreperably, out of reach. Those was the days.

The air was hot and the water was cool, the sand was sugary and made a nice ash tray for my innumerable butts, which I smoked to relieve the tension of being surrounded by my family for an entire week, or to enhance my cool during times of Woodford's and sunsets.

If they ever swear me in they ought to have me place my hand on a bottle of Woodford's instead of the bible 'cause that shit is da' truth.

I also did some half-ass jogging, which basically entailed me walking about 1/4 mile, saying fuck it, and walking back. I only did it so I could reward myself with something afterward, (a swim, a milkshake, a drink, a toke, or a smoke). Sometimes all of the above.

I rented a Waverunner for an hour. It was shades of Mexico as the instructions were almost criminally negligent. All I remember the guy saying was, "if it tips over there's instructions on the back." I'm thinking, "Yeah, when I'm bleeding from my head after getting tossed like a rag doll out in the middle of the water I'm gonna be reading a fucking manual."

Anyway, it was choppy as fuck, and my niece was riding on the back which made the thing hard as fuck to control and made me overly cautious. There was about a million things I could've hit out there and the water was constantly spraying in my face. I couldn't see a fucking thing. Fighting all these obstacles and wrestling with this thing I inadvertantly wandered out of the proscribed "area" for Jetskiing. Way out. What the fuck did I know? It was two little-ass buoys half a mile from shore. Next thing I know some 16 year old jerk-off kid is screaming at me to go back to shore. I got a time-out. By the way, this shit cost $125 an hour so I was not exactly happy about cooling my heels. Especially since I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing. I fantasized about kicking the shit out of this fucker back on shore while I revved the throttle.

After about a half an hour I dropped my niece off at shore and went off by myself. Then it was fun. I wasn't worried about killing anyone else and it was easier to control. That's when I started doing the shit you see those guys doing. You kind of half-stand like you would on a galloping horse and pin that fucker till you can barely hang on and then ease off the throttle, take a tight turn, rev it up again and zoom off. Still, it wasn't something I fell in love with. My ass is still killing me two days later.

I went to A.C. with my dad. It's become something of a tradition. We went to the Taj and entered the Hold'em tournament. Waiting for the tourney to start I got my feet wet with a little $3/$6 against the old fogies and made a couple bucks. I was feelin' good goin' into it but my luck didn't hold. The competition was as tough as it gets. I noticed several pro players from TV sitting at the tables. One was right next to my dad. I was out of my league and bounced out within an hour. My dad on the other hand, was unconcious. He just kept winning. The tournament lasted over five hours and he ended up finishing third. He was the chip leader for most of it, I think he just got tired at the end. At the final table I sat behind him as he played. He knows everything about cards and nothing about casino ettiquete, and was so obliviously, beautifully inept it almost seemed like a hustle. It totally pissed off the other players and worked to his advantage though I know it wasn't intentional. Because behind all the confusion he knows what the fuck he's doing.

Later, during times of Woodford's and sunsets he told me that four out of five of his life's goals were now complete. "A hole-in-one, making the final table..." and he didnt' mention the other two. The only thing he still wanted to do was publish a poem. I asked him if the other two were anything along the lines of wife, kids, college degrees, becoming a doctor etc... and he brushed me aside with a "nah," and we laughed. Like I said, that shit is da' truth.

Confession

2007-07-18T02:57:00.000-04:00

Don't be fooled by the title. It's only a tip of the hat to my previous post detailing the origins of my distrust of the Catholic Church. What I really want to confess is my deepest, darkest, most abiding pre-occupation for the last decade (give or take). It's not sex -to be honest- it's not baseball or money or some piss-ant career. It's not even music or my own happiness or lack thereof. It's politics.

Why Am I telling you this? Who gives a fuck?

Probably because I'm drunk, bored, and restless. They keep showing Syriana and Munich on TV and it's driving me crazy. It drives me crazy because it feeds me like the slow drip of an IV into the arm of a comatose patient, keeping me alive yet completely apathetic. "It" is like an expensive pair of shades on an overcast day. A luxury.

Like a squirrel, I go hunting for chestnuts and store them away whenever I find them. Whenever I find something that bolsters my vague, hip, neo-paranoia I give myself a gold star.

I guess because it boggles my mind. It just boggles my mind to no end how the most powerful nation on the planet could be taken over by a bunch of imbeciles and no one really seems to object. I shouldn't say no one. Certainly I object and so do most of my friends. But nobody gives a shit what we think.

What can I do about it? Nothing really. Writing these posts is like carving wooden ducks or something. A hobby. I'll just keep drinking Woodford's and hating hypocrisy -except my own, which I am completely oblivious to and if you point it out your a fuckin' asshole. Cheers.

Our Daily Bread

2007-07-16T03:56:00.000-04:00

The Catholic Diocese of Los Angeles just paid a $660 million dollar settlement to quiet claims of sexual abuse. One of the dominant social institutions of our civilization is in fact a pedophilia mill. Regretfully I write these words.

I was an altar boy. (No, nobody ever tried to molest me). I went to church every Sunday (against my will -didn't we all), my mother was a CCD teacher. I forget what CCD stands for but it has something to do with inflicting Irish Catholic guilt upon your children.

My parents never had air conditioning. It wasn't that hot then anyway. Everything made sense. No one asked questions like they do today because there were no McMansions, only MacMahons. There was no bullshit to distract you from your goals. It was "either you're with the Commie's or your against them." Not a tough choice given the times.

Anyway, I wonder how it is that an institution as rich, powerful, and old as the Catholic Church exists, relatively unchanged, and relatively unscathed, in a world that claims to prize justice as much as it does its children. When that institution has been exposed, again and again as a refuge for sexual perverts and hypocrites of the worst kind.

Our nightly news programs engage in unsanctioned crusades against monstrous child molesters, stirring up fear and hatred amongst neighbors and friends, and yet the devil is in our midst, and no one dare speak his name.

Everyone's so afraid that the pillars of White Christian Suburbia will come crashing down that we won't acknowledge that there is a systemic, deep rooted, history of child molestation hidden like an unwanted erection, beneath the frocks of our beloved Catholic priests.

Given the public record, the sexual crimes perpetrated by prominent members of the Catholic Church rivals that of the organized rackets of the Mafia of the Twenties and Thirties.

Unchecked, and unprosecuted, those institutions held great sway over their respective communities. The times of unacountability have long since passed for the Mafia and it is time for the Catholic Church in America to come to the same realization.

In other words, somebody (like the President of the U.S.) needs to straight up ask the Pope, "What the fuck is going on?" And then investigate the shit out of them.

Stolen Moments

2007-07-16T01:55:00.000-04:00

A first kiss, The gentle squeak of cork rubbing against glass as you twist open a bottle of Woodford's Reserve, the crackle of fresh ice cubes as the whiskey splashes down upon them, the plaintive wails of a saxophone on "Stolen Moments," over a bed of piano, the beach at dawn, the inner thighs of a 16 year old girl, a drop of blood running down the back of a runaway slave, born again in the vocal chords of an inner city youth, a pithy aside spoken to no one but felt deep inside while a cool breeze blows on a city rooftop on a hot summer night. Gazing out at the millions of lights and feeling inescably alone as you recant the idealistic testimony of adolesence in favor battle tested truths, mostly bittersweet, like the relief that is the reward for those things we've paid the price for. The embers of a campfire, crackling into space as you sit, mesmerized by the simplicity of it all.

Why I Like Living Here

2007-07-11T00:48:00.000-04:00

I like living here because it's not New York. New York is a vortex of pretension. New York is a urine stained sidewalk behind a velvet rope, behind a velvet rope, behind a velvet rope. It's a line outside a velvet rope waiting to go view a piece of urine stained sidewalk, hanging on a wall, that is so expensive it has no price tag. New York is anxiety.

My town is the guy who thought he was waiting on line for something else, got tired of waiting, ordered a drink, drank it, realized how much it cost and that he couldn't afford it, ordered another one anyway, had to go to the bathroom, went to six or seven places, hat in hand, asking politely if he could "use their restroom," was rudely denied, finally got tired of it, whipped out his dick and pissed on the sidewalk while waiting on line outside the velvet rope to see the piece of urined stained sidewalk hanging on a wall that was so expensive it had no price tag.

Found On Craigslist:

2007-07-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

Seeking STRICT old fashioned gentleman

I am a single, very attractive young lady, white, 39, dark shoulder length hair and green eyes. Soft curves, 5ft 6inches, 145 lbs. Feminine, bright, enjoy homelife and very home oriented. I am seeking a single/divorced gentleman, 44 to 60, nice looking, stable, intelligent, Christian beliefs, marriage minded, believes in traditional gender roles, husband as head of household and a firm believer in domestic discipline. Spankings. Applied with hand or wooden paddle. I enjoy walks, hikes, dining out, church on sunday, cooking at home, many interests. If you are sincerely interested in me, send a recent photo and more than a couple lines. Mention if you are from New jersey or elsewhere. Photo a must. Thank you.

It might as well say, "congressmen and clergy welcome! (prefer republicans)"

Apologies to the person whose anonymous privacy I just violated.

The Contents Of Last Night's Dream

2007-07-02T12:26:00.000-04:00

I was in some kind of netherworld at a resort/condo complex. I never used the lap pool because I had free access to the water park. I was hitting golf balls with my brother when somehow we ended up on a different level. I was walking in a direction and eventually felt as if I was before some council being judged. It wasn't as formal as it sounds.

At some point I realized that if I passed a certain point in one direction walking away fom the council that was death.

It seemed like it had never occurred to anyone to walk in the other direction and that by doing this I could reverse the circumstances. Although everyone assured me that I would be instantly be re-born and it really wasn't a big deal, I decided to walk in the other direction. Along the way I passed a great many walking corpses on the way to the council, some of them people from my past that I remember as being "good people." I used the good people as landmarks. Eventually, I ended up on a motorboat drinking all kinds of bottles of wine and liquor.

Another guy in the boat wanted to see what was left in the bottles so I showed him. Next thing you know I'm in Nashville, TN with a friend of mine. When I realize I'm in Tennessee and I'm drunk I get real excited because I've never been to Tennessee. I decide I'm going to stay there that night instead of driving all the way home drunk as hell. I assume that I can crash at my friend's place but when I bring it up he turns on me. To my astonishment he starts flipping out on me because I drank too much of the bottle he paid for while I was on the motorboat.

His place is pretty depressing. He appears to hate me and would rather share a blanket with some girl (not very pretty but with a demeanor like his sister) and play footsies under the blanket with her than go out with me in Nashville. What I really want to do is go out in the city that night, then see Johnny Cash's house the next day. (I'm a big Johnny Cash fan.) But he won't let me stay there. The girl he is playing footsies with has a friend, some spanish/jewish looking chick and we start talking a little bit.

Then I kind of wake up. I feel weird, hurt and unresolved. Why did my friend flip out on me? Who was that chick? I really wanted to see J.C.'s house. I guess I should've just died and been re-born like everyone else.

Rave Freakshow/Horrible Photography (your welcome)

2007-06-29T21:13:00.000-04:00

Two Wild and Crazy Guys

2007-06-25T00:06:00.000-04:00

The Artist Formerly Known As...

2007-06-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

Dawn of the Dead

2007-06-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

Back From Bonnaroo!

2007-06-20T12:31:00.000-04:00

A poster child for the new Anti-war movement.

I spent the morning looking at quotes regarding action and inspiration on the internet. (Instead of actually doing something). Here's a few samples:

"We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiriation seldom generates action." -Frank Tibolt

"Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action." - Walter Anderson

"Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living." - Anais Nin

"Nature knows no pause in progress and development, and attaches her curse on all inaction." -Goethe

and inexplicably mixed in with these luminaries,

"If ifs were gifts, every day would be Christmas." ~Charles Barkley

I'm still trying to figure that last one out.

So it was with those high-minded intentions that I persuaded a few friends to undertake an adventure with me down to Tennessee and give our world a little karmic aenama.

Bonnaroo is Cajun slang for, "a really good time." If you pretend to be a cajun and say it with gusto, it kind of makes sense. This I finally learned from some website, which contradicts the many rumors I heard that "Bonnaroo" was the name of the person who owned the farm. I knew that was just stupid.

We piled in a 30 ft. RV at about 3:30pm Wed. afternoon. I looked forward to the trip and thought that it would be half the fun. Almost immediately, we were headed in the wrong direction. I allowed myself to be talked out of driving duties because that little inner psychologist was saying, "delegate, don't be a control freak" even though my instincts were saying, "don't trust them, they're young and stupid." Turns out my instincts were right. So as I lounged in the back and tried not to be a backseat driver I felt my blood start to boil as our young female driver, drove a 30 ft RV like it was a 2-door honda and promptly took the NJ Turnpike North. (Wrong direction 5 mins into the trip). From there the anxiety didn't really dissipate until about 5 hours later when I took over.

By then, it was getting dark and started to rain heavily. This I had not envisioned. Driving one of these freaking behemoths is not easy at night in the rain surrounded by 18-wheelers. Oh, I forgot to mention, we were loaded to the brim with contraband. I personally brought nothing and made several proclamations to the rest of our party to have anything illegal at hand so that it could be shoved, swallowed, or flushed at a moment's notice. They all said, "yeah, yeah, yeah" and did nothing. Fucking potheads. Not only did they fail to understand that six kids in an RV driving through, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, and Tennessee on the way to a four day concert would undoubtedly be searched, but they continually berated me for driving the speed limit (70mph), which to them was too slow. Yes, driving an aircraft carrier full of drugs and kids wearing no seatbelts 70mph at night in the rain was just too damn slow.

I drove all through the hair-raising night. Finally at 4:58 am I pulled into a McDonald's parking lot and relinquished my duties. I knew it was 4:58 because they wouldn't let us in until 5:00am.

At about 8:30 am we stopped to gas up and buy ice about a half hour from the concert. There was a DEA car parked next to us. "Great," I thought. It took us another two-and-a-half hours or so of waiting in line before we finally reached the gate. One thing I learned by the end of this trip is that hippies are very compliant. If you tell them to wait in line for an indefinite period of time they will simply wait there. I recommend skipping the entire line and going right up to the front for anyone going next year.

Waiting on line we were harrassed by the usual hippie detritus. Reaking of patchouli and eau-de-naturale they bugged us for spare change, tickets, beer, pot, cigarettes, and just plain nonsense. We fashioned signs that read "Snausages?" and held them up in response to their various requests. We found that this worked very well as a repellent. It's not hard to confound hippie dirtbags.

I finally cracked my first beer around 11:30am on Thursday, roughly 20 hours after our departure.

The Bonnaroo people must have had a very generous deal worked out with the county. Something along the lines of "you have no other income, here's a million dollars, leave us alone," because there were about 5 cops in total who were all but invisible. Drug transactions and usage were open and common. Actually that's an understatement, they were everywhere. This festival was really about drugs. Music just happens to be a really cool thing to do when you're on them.

Each day of the festival I found my own little routine which evolved as the events took on a life of their own. On the first day I generally walked back and forth between the fountain (shaped like a mushroom and painted like an 8th grade doodle) and the Broower's Village where all the good beer was. At night we walked to the comedy tent and discovered an ungodly long line. We jumped it and got to see David Cross, Lewis Black, and two other hilarious comedians in one night. Not too fuckin' bad. The comedian's put downs of the audience were definitely the best part. I honestly don't remember what bands I saw.

The second day was a big day. Tool was headlining that night so I wanted to save myself. We bought some ecstasy from a guy walking around. He sat down and chilled for a little while. Noticing the extremely high demand his product was in I asked him how much he thought he would make for the weekend. "Hundred grand," he said matter of factly. God damn, I thought. I might have to change careers.

I walked up to Centeroo (the area where all the stages were -yeah I know it sounds gay as hell) and checked out Manu Chao. I had heard great things about him/them but was pretty disappointed. If he'd just stayed with the reggae vibe it would've been great, but everything turned into ska/punk crap. I popped the e-pill and walked over to Tool with my friend. He was way more into it than I was and we got seperated walking towards the stage. Whatever, I didn't care, everyone was very friendly. I talked to some guy from Dallas and some girl from Pittsburgh. She offered me a bump of special k, and I was like "what fucking drugs aren't here? No thanks," I told her. Probably the only thing I turned down all weekend. As the music started I noticed this little channel open where I thought I could get real close to the stage. I hopped a barrier and proceeded right through every security checkpoint unmolested until I found myself in a VIP area about 50 feet from the (huge) stage and with enough elbow room to do cartwheels if I wanted to. It was the best vantage point I've ever had for a concert. Better than the front row. I turned around and looked out at the ocean of 80,000 sweaty faces mashed together, many of whom had waited for hours for their spot, and thought to myself, "suckers!"

Tool began just as my e-pill was peaking and their show was absolute perfection. Maynard started the show by saying, "I smell patchouli" with mocking derision. I loved it. He peppered the crowd with other zingers at various points throughout the show such as, "Are any of you here on the Marijuana, on the LSD? Well you're all under arrest!" I'm not even really a Tool fan and I was completely blown away. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better Tom Morello walked out and jammed with them for like 15 minutes. I didn't know Tool jammed but in honor of the Bonnaroo crowd they did that night. Even Maynard appeared to be at least partially won over by the enthusiasm of the Bonnarroo crowd when he thanked them for "enduring our cynical attitudes."

Filing out of the show was like a scene from Dawn of the Dead. Just about everyone was tripping on something (including staff, security, bands, fans etc...) and the dust kicked up by the disorganized egress of 80,000 psychedelic zombies was a strange sight to behold. People were passing out all over the place. I was glad to make it out of there.

We rallied at the Ferris Wheel and walked back to camp. Hanging out at our trailer after the show was a parade of the surreal. One heavily dosed kid walked up to us with pupils as big as saucers and asked,

"Do you know where the church is? By the opening?"

"Uh... what?" we asked, mouths agape.

"The Church, by the opening?" he reiterated.

We had no response.

"I'm supposed to meet some people there." he stated.

"Why don't you have them meet you somewhere?" I suggested feeling that this kid was never going to get anywhere.

I don't know if my suggestion registed but we wandered off anyway, only to be followed a few minutes later by, "The Guy With One Sock." In other words, some guy walked by at 3:00 am wearing one sock, and nothing else. Someone who hadn't seen him asked if he was wearing it on his foot. (He was).

The rest were just a garden variety assortment of weirdos and druggies. Matt almost beat the shit out of some Meth addict named Tornado. One guy in our group liked to break the ice with new people by asking, "So, you guys ever shot a dog?" Also, I had to remind the girls not to tell guys wearing confederate flag T-shirts to go fuck themselves which they continually did. I think they failed to realize that guys wearing confederate flag T-shirts generally like three things, guns, drinkin' beer, and kickin' ass. Especially snot-nosed yankee ass.

Saturday was the best day for me. The ecstasy guy came around again and this time I bought a lot more. We did the usual routine with the fountain and the beer tent. Tried to get in to see Dave Attel but missed it. Luckily he happened to be standing outside and chatted with us for a few minutes. I told him I was bummed that we missed him and he said, "you didn't miss anything, I tanked. The hippies won this round." He was drinking a cup of black coffee, "to wash out all the bad drugs from last night," in his words.

We went back to the beer tent for another hour or so. Then back to the comedy tent for Demetri Martin and Flight of the Conchords. We got in for them and it was great. Very refreshing to sit comfortably in air-conditioning for awhile. When it was over it had cooled off a lot outside and we walked over to see the Police. This time I took everybody to my secret spot and they couldn't believe it. Oh, I forgot to mention, I popped one e-pill waiting in line for the Comedy Tent (yeah this one we waited on) and another right after. So by the time the police rolled out I was feeling mighty fine. I won't incriminate others by describing their drug use but I'll just say that no one was innocent. Also, I should mention that this was very "clean" ecstasy in the words of the dealer. Which is another way of saying it was pretty weak. So you had to take a lot. It was nothing like the shit we used to take in High School which was very powerful.

I must say I was a little disappointed by the Police. Almost all of their songs have keyboards and they decided not to use a keyboard player. Consequently, everything felt a little weak and missing something. However, I knew every song they played backwards and forwards so it was still very entertaining.

Filing out again it was Dawn of the Dead. This time we stumbled over to the Flaming Lips. Kings of Leon we're standing right next to us. I don't really know much about them. The Flaming Lips had an amazing show but I wasn't really digging the music so we split.

We wandered around for awhile and ended up at Sasha and Digweed who were playing from 2am till whenever. I can't tell you how absolutely perfect this was. All weekend long I'd has ants in my pants (x makes you want to dance) and here I was about to witness perhaps the top dance music act in the world on two e-pills outside in the summer. Everyone else split but Dan stayed with me. I didn't give a fuck how gay I looked, I literally couldn't help but start dancing. No one could.

I don't think I've ever had such a cathartic experience with music. It was like something Alduous Huxley would've imagined, a tribal ritual from a technologically dominated utopian future. On special occasions everyone congregates, takes a special pill, and gets out of their heads, throwing off the shackles of a complex world. The DJ booth was up on a pedestal and had some quasi-religious looking lighting around it. It looked like a chuch organ on the planet Xaxon or something. All the people, an overflow crowd of many thousands, danced and jumped for joy and whooped and hollered and bumped and grinded literally like there was no tomorrow. The music pulsed, thumped, throbbed and mesmerized. My body was so busy my mind felt completely free. When I noticed that it was dawn I decided to call it a day and head back to the RV.

The next day we left at 11:30 in the morning. I hadn't slept at all. It was a long drive.

Da' evolution of dumbocracy.

2007-05-21T03:30:00.000-04:00

Why George Bush Was Re-elected in 2004

2007-05-16T08:31:00.000-04:00

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1759657/

No Correlation

2007-04-19T03:37:00.000-04:00

FACT:In 2004 (the most recent year for which data is available), there were 29,569 gun deaths in the U.S:

16,750 suicides (56% of all U.S gun deaths),
11,624 homicides (40% of all U.S gun deaths),
649 unintentional shootings, 311 from legal intervention and 235 from undetermined intent (4% of all U.S gun deaths combined).
-Numbers obtained from CDC National Center for Health Statistics

Number of homicides by gun in same year in England: 78.

-According to this: http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs07/hosb0207.pdf

US Population: 300,000,000
UK Population: 60,000,000

We have 5 times as many people and 150 times as many homicides by gun. Guns are basically illegal in the UK.

But there's no correlation. Yeah right.

Number of gun homicides this year in UK: 50.

God's Other Son

2007-04-12T16:27:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I couldn't resist the segue so soon after my Easter post. You see, Don Imus once wrote a very popular book called, "God's Other Son." Well like his brother he's getting crucified right now. The whole thing is nauseating on so many levels.

First of all, Don Imus and his show sidekicks especially, have been doing this kind of racial humor for years, and it was usually far more offensive material (if you're offended by that kind of stuff). I always wondered how he got away with it for so long. Secondly, he's not a moral authority and never claimed to be. He has always been basically a comedian who is on the radio. Like all comedians he will say and do anything for a laugh. Richard Pryor was no different. Third, Jesse Jackson once called New York, (that's all of New York) "Hymietown." He on the other hand, IS a moral leader (supposedly). He also fathered a child with a mistress. Fourth, Al Sharpton does commercials for a company that makes equity loans on people's CARS. That is to say, if you own a cadillac, you can get a few hundred dollar loan at 300% interest rate. Then when you fail to repay they can reposess your car, even though you own it. The absolute worst kind of predatory lending aimed directly at the black community. Another moral leader. Please.

The oughta give out awards for the best fake outrage. Call it the Golden Chicken Wing Award. I hope black people enjoy their latest in a string of "victories". Meanwhile they're still stuck in the economic and educational back of the bus.

Happy Fucking Easter Motherfuckers

2007-04-09T05:16:00.000-04:00

Jesus died for you. Well, maybe not you but me anyway. (You know who you are 2/3 of my readership). If only you schmucks hadn't strung up our kid we'd all be laughing, skipping, and fornicating for joy! But no, thanks to some meshugginah schlepping through the desert for longer than the Brooklyn Dodgers went without winning a series, and some kvetching priests in the temple we've had to endure 2000 years of our ass getting medievaled-on.

Thanks to you we have to sit in traffic on the way to the mall, pretend to be nice to our relatives, and for some reason, put a tree in the middle of the living room. We also have to look around for eggs, and be on the lookout for a rabbit. Apparently, in Christianity rabbits lay eggs. It is in this context that we are also supposed to contemplate the "Greatest Story Ever Told" about how He rose from the dead and so forth... So, find the eggs, and then be thankful the son of god rose from the dead and forgives your congenitally guilty ass. Oy vey, no wonder we're all mish-mashed.

Talkin' Jersey Blues

2007-04-04T01:29:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in a particularly divey bar, in a fairly grim part of town, trying to watch the Mets game and trying not to watch the Rutgers women's basketball game that was on every other TV in the city. Warrant was blasting on the Jukebox. I turned to my friend and said, "Who the fuck actually put this on?" I didn't think anything could suck more than the last song (some Nickelback clone). He informed me that it was the guy sitting about 3 feet away from me in a leather jacket, too tight jeans with a mullet-ish thing playing air guitar. He definitely heard some portion of my derision and I think was contemplating "stepping" to me. Of course, I would have served that bitch like a pastrami on rye.
Anyway, I tried to get back to the game but then this fucking idiot sitting right next to me started talking my ear off. He asked me if I was a Met fan (which obviously I was), and I got the feeling he was setting me up for something. He asked me if I hated the Yankees, "Uhh yeah kinda" I replied.

"But not the fans right?" He asked.

A pregnant pause ensued that any marginally sober person would've interpreted as a "YES!" Luckily for me this fucking loser was three sheets to the wind.

I observed his obvious characteristics: 1. Drunk off his ass. 2. In his element whereas I was out of mine. 3. Lots of tattoos. 4. Probably some kind of knife or boxcutter on him or in his jacket.

"No," I answered. A baldfaced lie. I fucking hate Yankee fans and this guy was exhibit A,B, and C of why.

Anyway, to make a long story short (because I'm tired of typing) I actually managed to avoid a confrontation. Give myself a smiley! @#$@#

P.S. My TV is broken. That is the only reason you're reading this.

Bored Shitless

2007-02-14T12:19:00.000-05:00

I trudged out the door to day in the snow and ice to clean off my car and head out the door to a job. Luckily, my car wouldn't start so I got a "snow day." A person who I happen to know who shall remain nameless also happens to be in the vicinity with a brick (and I mean a fucking brick) of Humboldt Co. hash. So I think what I'll do instead of work is smoke some hash, drink some hot-buttered rum, and play video games.

I went on one of those online dating things. What a disaster. I have been hounded by the fattest, ugliest, most undesirable creatures you could possibly imagine. It's really insulting, I'm like, "I'm outta your league bitch what are you thinking?" I even was contacted by a midget. I swear to god. Her face looks exactly like a pug. I wasn't really paying attention when I was filling the thing out so I blew right through the height specifications part and left as "anyone form 3'0 to 8'11". I guess she figured she was in there. How low can I go?

What The Fuck?

2007-02-10T04:05:00.000-05:00

Reportage on a conflict with a bartender:

I'll make a long story short. This guy was a fuckin' prick. I am one goddamn grateful bar patron. I tip patriotically, I make extremely agreeable conversation if there's any to be made, and I try to keep my shit straight. So after about the fourth eye-roll-dramatic-sigh followed by "when you've figured it out get back to me" I fuckin' flipped out on the guy. Mind you, I'm ordering drinks for a bunch of people and this fuckface's primary hangup was that I didn't answer his question of whether I wanted a Miller draft or bottle within point 1 milliseconds.

Personally, I don't want to drink that shit beer in any container. But I happened to be ordering the beer for a (broke ass) friend and so momentarily stammered. You see, I wasn't really prepared for the question. Probably because I really don't give a fuck. If you are really a good bartender (or a sentient human) you can probably (for your own sake) make a decision to just give the guy a fuckin' beer, take the money and leave while realizing that if he's ordering a Miller Lite he's not really concerned with whether it's a draught or a bottle.

But anyway, I finally said that what I'd decided was that I'd rather talk to the other bartender because he was a fuckin' asshole. He tried to stammer out some comeback but it didn't really work and I was like, "What? Spit it out man, what have you got say?" And he made a throat slashing motion indicating I was "cut off." So I called him a bitch and told him I didn't give a fuck what the fuck he said. Then I went outside and lit up a camel light, bitched about it to some gay guy, and finished my beer. When I turned around to leave he was standing right behind me. I guess you had to be there. It was minorly intense.

I only wish some of my highschool friends were there to back me up. We would've taken that place over and fucked some shit up. And we would've been in the right. Absolutely in the right.

Revenge

2007-02-07T01:59:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on the Iraq War.

Yes I am obsessed with everything that has happened in the past 6-7 years. It has been a continuosly unfolding nightmare, each wave of bad news that crashes into us destroying another part of the rickety old wooden pier that was America.

Something that I think most people in the public and the media are confused about is our reason for being in Iraq. I will explain my opinion of such very simply. We are not in Iraq because: they hate our freedom, they have weapons of mass destruction, to spread democracy etc... We are in Iraq because of revenge. We're in Iraq because they look like and sound like the people who attacked us and goddamn it we're gonna kick the shit out of them. And they have oil.

Boy did we fuck up.

It was the thirst for revenge that allowed the media to abandon reason and analysis and swallow the premeditated neocon plan to basically conquer the middle east. Total fuckin' lunacy. And as the media goes so goes the nation.

I'm Completely Heterosexual

2007-02-07T01:17:00.000-05:00

I was on my way to Florida the other day, driving in my diapers, when I heard the news that Pastor Ted Haggard announced that he is "completely heterosexual." After three years of paying a male masseur for sex and crystal meth, in just three short weeks he's seen the light. I'm still waiting for Anderson Cooper to make a similar announcement.

"Tonight live from New Orleans, I'M COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL, back to you Paula."

One thing about driving in diapers is that after you piss yourself it just kind of sits there and dribbles down your leg as you press the accelerator or the brake. Luckily I stopped by Pastor Ted's place on the way down to pick up some crystal meth so I could stay awake for the ride.

Anyway, it was good to get out of Jersey, that state is full of fucking morons. More thoughts to follow...

Where's The Hole?

2007-01-25T23:57:00.000-05:00

I gotta admit, I'm a little clumsy with this new BLOGGER interface. I've tried to finger it a coupla' times but given up. I finally put the time in and penetrated. So now I can once again freely post my thoughts. (Lucky for you).

Last weekend I rode a mechanical bull. Right now I'm listening to Bjork and wishing there was a big pile of coke in front of me. I got high marks at the rodeo and am told that I looked "very straight" (as oppposed to gay) while riding the bull. Which is ironic since I think virtually every male who rode the thing looked extremely gay. Still, I would've preferred a big pile of coke.

I guess those days are history anyway.

I just put my IPOD Shuffle through the wash. Fuck. I used it about twice.

Right now I'm nipping at a glass of boutique whiskey on the rocks. It's easy/hard to write good/bad lyrics when your drunk. Why is Bukowski famous?

Hooray For Death!

2006-12-31T10:28:00.000-05:00

Saddam, James Brown, Gerald "Who The Fuck Cares" Ford, Syd Barret, and soon to be our 3000th soldier in Iraq. 2006 has really been a banner year in History.

I personally, am thrilled that we, the beacon of human rights, invaded another country and hung their president. After all, Premier Bush said, "Wanted Dead or Alive." Well we got both.

If anyone should be tied to a sturdy tree in Crawford and hung it is Bush. His brains are already squirming like a toad, we might as well shut the light off.

Greatest Guitarists Of All Time

2006-11-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

1. Edward Van Halen

2. Jimi Hendrix

3. Jimmy Page

4. Sean Milano

5. Greg MacDonald

6. Ami Barzelay

7. Tony Iommi

8. Dickie Betts/Duane Allman

Madonna

2006-10-31T13:36:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about Madonna, America's Whore, the other day. Has she crossed into "isht-don't-think-so" territory or what? "Oh look honey, it's a little black monkey, let's take him home and train him."

Memo to Madonna, this isn't "The Legend of Greystoke," you can't buy other peoples kids like they're cute little puppies, and you're not some all knowing, all compassionate maternal deity, you're a careerist bitch.

So go back to your fake English accent, your Nazi-like Pilates regimen, and your henpecked little husband.

Greatest Lyric Ever Written Contest!!

2006-10-15T01:24:00.000-04:00

My submission: "Let me forget about today until tomorrow." - Bob Dylan (from Mr. Tambourine Man)

Oh Well...

2006-10-10T03:13:00.000-04:00

There was another school shooting. Though this time nobody died so who cares? Of course a Republican has already proposed that the solution to this latest teenage craze lies in arming teachers. Of course! What a brilliant and obvious solution.

By following that logic I can theoretically solve almost all our sociological "challenges" right now.

Ex. 1: A particular neighborhood has a longstanding problem of cocaine traffic and abuse. Simply flood that neighborhood with heroin and, as Tom Friedman likes to say, "Presto!" No more cocaine problem.

Ex. 2: Make a bet with a compulsive gambler that he can't go five days without gambling.

Ex. 3: Put a pedophile in charge of the caucus on Missing and Exploited children. (oh wait they already did that). Extra credit to anyone who knows what a caucus is.

Ex. 4: Put the ex-Governor of NJ in charge of the EPA. (I'm absolutely positive Karl Rove was laughing his ass off when they picked Christie Whitman.)

and so on...

Personally, I'd be mighty worried about some of my old teachers having access to firearms.

Ex. 1: "Suck my dick or I'll shoot you."

Wait, I've got it. The new superhero. The Armed Pedophile Teacher.

and so on...

Greetings

2006-10-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

Hello all, just thought I'd stop by and drop a line in between school shootings. If I was ever a congressional page there'd probably be a lot more legislating going on because Mark Foley would be so disappointed with my measurements. I also hate instant messaging.

OHHHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!

2006-09-19T00:47:00.000-04:00

Bowp Bowp. Chick - Chick - i - Chi-Ka.

Irony

2006-09-12T02:45:00.000-04:00

Today was Sept. 11th. It's not anymore because it's 2:40am and I'm just getting around to it. If I have to observe another moment of silence I'm going to scream. In fact, the only thoughts I have while enduring these contrived tokens of solemnity make me want to scream. The main one being that Osama been-livin'- Large is probably clinking ceramic chalices full of fermented camel piss with his cadre of sycophants, one-eyed sheiks and peg-legged mullahs right now, relishing the glory of their ongoing victory.

What do we get? A warm glass of shut-the-fuck-up from our leaders, a kick in the balls from the media, and a tiny little American flag (made in China undoubtedly) to wave with patriotic abandon. Let us pray.

Although I resisted all week, I finally succumbed to watching a few minutes of one of those "9/11" docu-specials. Big mistake. In the one I was watching there was a cameraman who had gotten into the plaza between the towers after they were both hit but before they fell. Apparently they used to pipe Muzak into that space and incredibly it was still playing. Then they started to show the people jumping, falling, dying. There was one guy who was climbing out the window, you could see the fire and black smoke chasing him out onto the ledge. He had some kind of rope or something and was starting to climb down. He got a few feet but then lost his grip.

I was totally shattered watching this. I've had dreams of falling to my death, and remember the feeling of knowing, at that instant, that your life is about to end. Except for me it was a night mare, for those people it was real.

No injustice America ever commited against "Islam" could ever be rendered just by such an insane action. If we were smart we'd make a montage of people jumping to their death out of the Twin Towers and then ask Al Jazeera to play it. Then we could rhetorically ask the viewers if they think this is justified under Islam, or if it is "god's will," and if this is what they want to accomplish with there lives, and if they think creating unimaginable horror will get them into heaven.

And then we should drop a nuclear bomb on all of them. Fuckers!

No seriously, none of this shit really matters because Jesus is COMIN' BACK! I mean the check's in the fucking mail folks, fuhgeddaboutit.

Crikey!

2006-09-06T01:18:00.000-04:00

As usual, my perspective on whatever event our filthy, pathetic, pandering, intentionally distracting, distorting, misleading media happen to be saturating our lives with is a little less rose colored than say, Paula Zahn's.

I think this crocodile guy got what's been coming to him for a long time. I always thought he was a crude facsimile of an Australian stereotype: "the rugged outdoorsman i.e Crocodile Dundee."

It would be kind of like Geraldo running around in a leather hat and a whip at his side excavating "lost tombs" like he was Indiana Jones or something.

I always thought the crocodile guy was a bogus animal lover/naturalist or whatever the fuck he was. Like that perfectly happy crocodile NEEDED to be wrestled into submission on TV by 12 human beings and attached with a radio tag about the size of small cell phone tower.

I think his legacy will be simply, "what an idiot."

His creepy, over-enthusiasm always made me cringe. I guess it subliminally provoked in me a despondency that our culture (anglo-phonic white males) has lost so much virility that overcompensaters like him (Bush is another one) get placed on the highest pedestal by the corporate media.

You know who I think they should've made a TV show about? Richard Cole, Led Zeppelin's old road manager. He fucked a girl with a shark in a motel room. Now that's an animal lover.

While you were busy mourning this tragic loss here's a rather important story you probably missed.

Defending Our Way Of Life

2006-09-03T10:07:00.000-04:00

Luckily, they have Burger King kiosks at most military bases now so the troops can be reminded of the freedom they are defending. The freedom to eat a QUADRUPLE bacon cheeseburger. According to some website it has the following nutritional info:

"BK Stackers Quad is 4 beef patties, 4 slices of American cheese, 8 strips of bacon, and BK Stacker Sauce (featuring high fructose corn syrup!) all on a sesame seed bun. It weighs 311 grams and has 1000 calories, 620 calories from fat, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of the dreaded trans fat, 240 mg of cholesterol, 1800 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugars and 62 grams of protein."

I suggest washing it down with some Drano so your family doesn't have to waste money caring for you after your stroke/heart attack.

Why I Hardly Blog Anymore

2006-09-01T03:47:00.000-04:00

1. Girlfriend

2. Now that the revolution that I started has achieved all its goals (Bush out of office, justice for all) what's the point?

3. Internet poker.

4. I simply can't keep up with the overwhelming amount of feedback I get from all over the world (you know who you are). Sorry I can't thank you all.

5. My sleeping pillzzzzzz are kiiickkingg innnnnn....

Postscript: Just wanted to leave this thought with you. We're the bad guys. If they could make a fried chicken flavored cigarrette I'd smoke it till the day I died. If I don't put a picture in you dickheads probably don't even read this far.

U.S. To Israel: "When You're Done Killing Everyone, You Should Probably Stop."

2006-07-19T03:37:00.000-04:00

Condi Rice is traveling to set up a "buffer zone" consisting of rubble that used to be southern Beirut. I saw a picture of her and El Presidente at a ballgame the other day. Was that a date? Has she been to his buffer zone too? Could she possibly respect such a fucking idiot?

This week's G8 summit has been a one-after-another of great (as in bad) Bush moments. First he got smacked down by his former lover, Vladimir Putin, then I kept hearing about how much he liked actually driving the golf cart (look it's something I can do! It's something I can do!). Then he was caught off script basically treating Tony Blair like a waiter at the country club. Then he tried to give the German Chancellor (a woman) a shoulder massage and she recoiled like it was her drunk uncle. And then... oh forget it.

I predict that by the end of it all Bush will be caught jacking off to Bumfights in the oval office. After wiping himself off with an American flag he will then present that flag to Donald Rumsfeld at his medal of freedom ceremony. Rumsfeld will then blow his nose in it and then offer it to Dick Cheney saying, "Hey Big Dick, you want this piece of shit?" After accepting, Big Dick will proceed to get so drunk he shits himself and has to wipe his ass with the flag. Then as a gesture of goodwill from the executive branch to the judicial branch he will present the flag to Antonin Scalia who will fold it into a decorative handkerchief and wear it proudly to the last State of the Union speech. (Where Bush will get a 20 minute standing ovation).

And bye the way, I was actually belting out the final chorus of "And so we've come, to the END OF THE ROAD," in that last picture.

Back To The Future...

2006-07-09T01:30:00.001-04:00

I recieved this picture via email from Miss Debra Kotkin at about 1am this morning. Is it just me or do we look like we're about to bust into some doo-wop song or something?

Greg MacDonald's Take On Mr. White:

2006-07-09T00:33:00.000-04:00

"i'm pro-white."

The preceeding statement was taken verbatim, including punctuation and capitalization, from an email sent by our far flung correspondent in Huatulco, Mexico. It represents a distant perspective on the recently re-ignited controversy surrounding our former principal.

Adios Jose

2006-07-09T00:10:00.000-04:00

I have some important news: the Jose Lima fan club has officialy disbanded. In addition he has not only been demoted to the class AAA Norfolk Mets affiliate, but he has actually been deported back to his native country. This extraordinary rendition was necessary due to him sucking extremely badly and reminding me of the bad old days of the Mets.

I wonder who all the 25 million Mexicans who live here voted for in their version of Florida. Note-to-self: you will now have to leave the continent if you wish to escape neo-Fascism. From the Yukon to Guatemala we've now got right wing, pro-business government. We're nothing but serfs paying mandatory $$tribute$$ to our corporate barons and lords. The digital Maximilien Robespierre that we all pray for exists only in the movies. (and it isn't Johnny fucking Depp). By the way, do you think that's his real name?

I watched "Funky Monks" last night. It was da' BOMB! If you don't know ya' better ask somebody.

Dear Mexico,

2006-07-08T12:20:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the 21st century, where democracy is just a warm, fuzzy, memory. Let's face it, that form of government is obsolete. Then again, you already knew that because half of you are already here.

(I wrote this awhile ago but forgot to publish it I guess)

Moths

2006-06-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

Where I live, there's a lot of moths. I kill about one every 30 minutes. Almost the rate at which Bush killed retards when he was the Gov'ner of Tejas. There's also lots of other undesirable creatures flying/crawling around here. I had some kind of bee/fly/cricket thing in my mouth today. It was great.

My house is the house that the whole neighborhood complains about or contemplates complaining about because it looks so ghetto and like shit. But really, it's the most awesome place I've ever lived.

I just killed another moth. Got to be the third one this hour. My beer-to-moth killing ratio is in perfect homeostasis.