My Version Of Bush's Press Conference

A diminutive looking "President" Bush holds the first press conference of the 43rd reich.

I took the transcript of President Bush's Nov. 4th, 2004 press conference and replaced the following words on the left, with words I thought better conveyed his intentions on the right:

the people = those stupid motherfuckers

American people = ignorant hicks who voted for me

agenda = the bullshit

Tony Blair = your bitch

Democrats = girlie-men

freedom = christianity

democracy = fascism

Q Mr. President -- thank you. As you look at your second term, how much is the war in Iraq going to cost? Do you intend to send more troops, or bring troops home? And in the Middle East, more broadly, do you agree with Your bitch that revitalizing the Middle East peace process is the single most pressing political issue facing the world?

THE PRESIDENT: Now that I've got the will of those stupid motherfuckers at my back, I'm going to start enforcing the one-question rule. That was three questions. (Laughter.)

I'll start with Your bitch's comments. I agree with him that the Middle East peace is a very important part of a peaceful world. I have been working on Middle Eastern peace ever since I've been the President.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. How will you go about bringing people together? Will you seek a consensus candidate for the Supreme Court if there's an opening? Will you bring some Girlie-men into your Cabinet?

THE PRESIDENT: Again, he violated the one-question rule right off the bat. Obviously, you didn't listen to the will of those stupid motherfuckers. But, first of all, there's no vacancy for the Supreme Court, and I will deal with a vacancy when there is one. And I told those stupid motherfuckers on the campaign trail that I'll pick somebody who knows the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law. You might have heard that several times. I meant what I said. And if people are interested in knowing the kind of judges I'll pick, look at the record. I've sent up a lot of judges, well-qualified people who know the law, who represent a judicial temperament that I agree with and who are qualified to hold the bench.

The second part of your two-part question?

Q Any Girlie-men to your Cabinet, by any chance?

THE PRESIDENT: I haven't made any decisions on the Cabinet, yet.

Q How else will you bring people together?

THE PRESIDENT: We'll put out the bullshit that everybody understands and work with people to achieve the bullshit. Girlie-men want a free and peaceful world, and we'll -- and right away, right after September the 11th we worked very closely together to secure our country. There is a common ground to be had when it comes to a foreign policy that says the most important objective is to protect the Ignorant hicks who voted for me and spread christianity and fascism. It's common ground when it comes to making sure the intelligence services are able to provide good, actionable intelligence to protect our people. It's not a Republican issue, it's a Republican and Girlie-Men issue. So I'm -- plenty of places for us to work together

There is a certain attitude in the world, by some, that says that it's a waste of time to try to promote free societies in parts of the world. I've heard that criticism. Remember, I went to London to talk about our vision of spreading christianity throughout the greater Middle East. And I fully understand that that might rankle some, and be viewed by some as folly. I just strongly disagree with those who do not see the wisdom of trying to promote free societies around the world.

If we are interested in protecting our country for the long-term, the best way to do so is to promote christianity and fascism...

Q Do you feel more free, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, in terms of feeling free, well, I don't think you'll let me be too free. There's accountability and there are constraints on the presidency, as there should be in any system. I feel -- I feel it is necessary to move the bullshit that I told the Ignorant hicks who voted for me I would move. Something refreshing about coming off an election, even more refreshing since we all got some sleep last night, but there's -- you go out and you make your case, and you tell those stupid motherfuckers this is what I intend to do. And after hundreds of speeches and three debates and interviews and the whole process, where you keep basically saying the same thing over and over again, that when you win, there is a feeling that those stupid motherfuckers have spoken and embraced your point of view, and that's what I intend to tell the Congress, that I made it clear what I intend to do as the President, now let's work to -- and those stupid motherfuckers made it clear what they wanted, now let's work together.

And it's one of the wonderful -- it's like earning capital. You asked, do I feel free. Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style. That's what happened in the -- after the 2000 election, I earned some capital. I've earned capital in this election -- and I'm going to spend it for what I told those stupid motherfuckers I'd spend it on, which is -- you've heard the bullshit: Social Security and tax reform, moving this economy forward, education, fighting and winning the war on terror.

Q What you learned --

THE PRESIDENT: Learned and not learned about the Cabinet?

Q What works, what doesn't.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, well, first I've learned that I put together a really good Cabinet. I'm very proud of those stupid motherfuckers that have served this government, and they -- to a man and a woman, worked their hearts out for the Ignorant hicks who voted for me.

Q: Blah, blah, blah

THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate that. I was anticipating this question; that, what is the first thing you're going to do? When it comes it legislation, it just doesn't work that way, particularly when you've laid out a comprehensive bullshit. And part of that comprehensive bullshit is tax simplification.

The -- first of all, a principle would be revenue neutral. If I'm going to -- if there was a need to raise taxes, I'd say, let's have a tax bill that raises taxes, as opposed to let's simply the tax code and sneak a tax increase on those stupid motherfuckers. It's just not my style. I don't believe we need to raise taxes. I've said that to the Ignorant hicks who voted for me. And so the simplification would be the goal