Rumsfeld Out, Filowitz In.

In an exclusive, The Breakfast has learned that SecDef Rumsfeld has finally succumbed to his longstanding desire to SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.

According to high level sources within the administration, President Bush plans on tapping former United Airlines executive Dan Filowitz to be the next Secretary of Defense.

Filowitz, considered a moderate by Washington insiders is known for his fiscal prudence and a hawkish, pro-Israeli position on the middle east.

However, it remains to be seen if President Bush's first nominee since the still simmering Bernie Kerik fiasco can survive the obligatory media shitstorm. Whispers already abound about alleged claims made by Filowitz about being able to stand on the Palisade cliffs and, "piss in Yonkers."

It is also rumored that his driving record is a little less than eternally spotless.

The President is said to have chosen Filowitz because he liked his personal story. The presumptive nominee was known as "the guy who pukes at parties" in high school, yet later went on to become an improv comedy star and borderline statutory rapist.

Like Mr. Kerik, Mr. Filowitz hails from New Jersey. However, longstanding rumors about him actually being born in CANADA have dogged Mr. Filowitz throughout his career and could potentially cloud his nomination chances.