Best Bush Impression (click)

Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Hillary

Not only is she not gonna sit at home and bake cookies, she bakes cookies -at home (supposedly). Not only is she not some stand-by-your-man kind of girl, she stood by her man. Not only is she for THE WAR, she's against it. How'd she do that?

Look, somebody's got to run the plantation, it might as well be someone who knows how to wield the business end of a whip.

The only thing I can't understand is how the Girlie-Men (Democrats) could not center their every resource and effort around getting that -as Newt Gingrich's mom famously called her- "bitch" elected.

Let's face it, she's the only Democrat with a prayer of winning the next presidential election (if we have one).

Why? Because the Democrats have a serious manliness problem. A male Democratic presidential candidate just can't help losing the "manliness" battle to his Republican counterpart. Democrats always want to "pull out" (the troops) while Republicans want to stay and "finish the job." The Democrats are like that "nice" guy in "The Accused" who plays video games and feels guilty but does nothing while Jodie Foster gets raped, while the Republicans are like that guy yelling "One-Two-Three-Four!!"

But Hillary on the other hand contrasts beautifully with the John Wayne-ishness of the Republicans. Due to primal instincts and cable news it's virtually impossible for two male candidates to avoid getting into a pissing contest. But there'd be no real way for the pundits to distill a presidential election between Hillary and a presumably male Republican into a who'd-you-rather-have-a-beer-with gunfight. Consequently, the Republican candidate would be forced to talk about actual ISSUES or risk looking like a chauvinist ass. That puts the ball squarely in the Democrats court. Because if there's one thing they know it's their goddamn issues.

P.S. Here's a few Pre-Buttals to possible objections you may be tempted to raise.

1. She would kick the shit out Condi Rice.
2. She's smart, experienced, thick skinned and pragmatic.
3. She's the only Democrat who's full of shit enough to win.
3. I don't give a shit if she's not liberal enough. I'm not hoping for 40 acres and a mule. My entire support of Hillary is based on an imaginary contract stating that she can say or do damn near anything to win, so long as she wins. I'm assuming that by winning she will at least wrangle the nation off of our current course of self-destructive Orwellian/Hitleresque insanity.

Favorite New Song...

Well, it's not exactly new but the new girl anyway. "All Night Long (All Night)" by Lionel Richie. My favorite part are the parentheses around (All Night). You might think I'm kidding but I'm not. He's like a black Eddie Money. Listen to "Two Tickets To Paradise" and maybe you'll see what I'm talking about. Anyway if you're in the right mood you can listen to it and lean back into that mental palm tree with a cig and exhale some second hand gold.

Bob Dylan understands. He sold his guitar to the baker's son for some crumbs and a place to hide. It don't matter he can get another one and play for Magdalena while they ride.

Good News! Whiskey's on sale. $14.99 for the biggest bottle of Seagram's 7 they have. Big up to Rod the Skullcrusher! Death Metal and Skiing. What ever happened to the Human Sacrifice interest group?

I put a filet mignon on the credit card. It was a little too rare. I hope David Brooks chokes on his own vomit and John Belushi rises from the dead. My values are all screwed up.

I joined the Teaneck peace and justice group at yahoo. I regret it. I'll never go and it's annoying.

He's Alive (click)

Brokeback Mountain

There will probably be a joke about this on the Daily Show tonight but you saw it here first (or second). I don't know why it took me so long to remember our own president is himself a gay cowboy. One thing about Bush, although he can't walk OR chew gum -independently OR at the same time- he can drive and wear a cowboy hat. Wow.

Here's what Chris Matthews said about Bush,

"Let me ask you, Bob Dornan, you were a congressman all those years. Here's a president who's really non-verbal. He's like Eisenhower. He looks great in a military uniform. He looks great in that cowboy costume he wears when he goes west. I remember him standing at that fence with Colin Powell. Was the best picture in the 2000 campaign."

He looks great in that cowboy costume he wears when he goes west??? Our commander in chief???

More Racist Observational Humor

I'd like to thank the stupid bitch who inexplicably commented that I am a, "racist" even though she verified what I said.

Yesterday I realized that I've never seen a black field goal kicker. Ever.

Mexico 2006

Sunset in Huatulco.

Highlight of the trip: Definitely when Greg and I got robbed at knifepoint. Actually he got robbed at knifepoint, my assailant had a broken, flask shaped bottle with some gnarly looking teeth. Personally, I wasn't too upset because they only got $20 pesos off of each of us ($2 US).

Another highlight was the excellent service we consistently enjoyed throughout our trip. For seemingly everyone else, a breakfast of scrambled eggs took an unbearable 20 minutes to be served. Thankfully, we were allowed to wait for an hour or more for two fuckin' scrambled eggs which gave us more time to enjoy our hangovers.

No seriously, they really don't give a fuck who you are or what you ordered or how much you complain down there. Your ass is gonna wait as long as they goddamn please.

Other than that it was great. I don't think I'll ever be able to take palm trees for granted. No matter how many times I see one, I'm still like, "Damn, that's a fuckin' palm tree!" We didn't have those in Teaneck. I'll put more stuff up later...