Bored Shitless

I trudged out the door to day in the snow and ice to clean off my car and head out the door to a job. Luckily, my car wouldn't start so I got a "snow day." A person who I happen to know who shall remain nameless also happens to be in the vicinity with a brick (and I mean a fucking brick) of Humboldt Co. hash. So I think what I'll do instead of work is smoke some hash, drink some hot-buttered rum, and play video games.

I went on one of those online dating things. What a disaster. I have been hounded by the fattest, ugliest, most undesirable creatures you could possibly imagine. It's really insulting, I'm like, "I'm outta your league bitch what are you thinking?" I even was contacted by a midget. I swear to god. Her face looks exactly like a pug. I wasn't really paying attention when I was filling the thing out so I blew right through the height specifications part and left as "anyone form 3'0 to 8'11". I guess she figured she was in there. How low can I go?

What The Fuck?

Reportage on a conflict with a bartender:

I'll make a long story short. This guy was a fuckin' prick. I am one goddamn grateful bar patron. I tip patriotically, I make extremely agreeable conversation if there's any to be made, and I try to keep my shit straight. So after about the fourth eye-roll-dramatic-sigh followed by "when you've figured it out get back to me" I fuckin' flipped out on the guy. Mind you, I'm ordering drinks for a bunch of people and this fuckface's primary hangup was that I didn't answer his question of whether I wanted a Miller draft or bottle within point 1 milliseconds.

Personally, I don't want to drink that shit beer in any container. But I happened to be ordering the beer for a (broke ass) friend and so momentarily stammered. You see, I wasn't really prepared for the question. Probably because I really don't give a fuck. If you are really a good bartender (or a sentient human) you can probably (for your own sake) make a decision to just give the guy a fuckin' beer, take the money and leave while realizing that if he's ordering a Miller Lite he's not really concerned with whether it's a draught or a bottle.

But anyway, I finally said that what I'd decided was that I'd rather talk to the other bartender because he was a fuckin' asshole. He tried to stammer out some comeback but it didn't really work and I was like, "What? Spit it out man, what have you got say?" And he made a throat slashing motion indicating I was "cut off." So I called him a bitch and told him I didn't give a fuck what the fuck he said. Then I went outside and lit up a camel light, bitched about it to some gay guy, and finished my beer. When I turned around to leave he was standing right behind me. I guess you had to be there. It was minorly intense.

I only wish some of my highschool friends were there to back me up. We would've taken that place over and fucked some shit up. And we would've been in the right. Absolutely in the right.

Revenge

Thoughts on the Iraq War.

Yes I am obsessed with everything that has happened in the past 6-7 years. It has been a continuosly unfolding nightmare, each wave of bad news that crashes into us destroying another part of the rickety old wooden pier that was America.

Something that I think most people in the public and the media are confused about is our reason for being in Iraq. I will explain my opinion of such very simply. We are not in Iraq because: they hate our freedom, they have weapons of mass destruction, to spread democracy etc... We are in Iraq because of revenge. We're in Iraq because they look like and sound like the people who attacked us and goddamn it we're gonna kick the shit out of them. And they have oil.

Boy did we fuck up.

It was the thirst for revenge that allowed the media to abandon reason and analysis and swallow the premeditated neocon plan to basically conquer the middle east. Total fuckin' lunacy. And as the media goes so goes the nation.

I'm Completely Heterosexual

I was on my way to Florida the other day, driving in my diapers, when I heard the news that Pastor Ted Haggard announced that he is "completely heterosexual." After three years of paying a male masseur for sex and crystal meth, in just three short weeks he's seen the light. I'm still waiting for Anderson Cooper to make a similar announcement.

"Tonight live from New Orleans, I'M COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL, back to you Paula."

One thing about driving in diapers is that after you piss yourself it just kind of sits there and dribbles down your leg as you press the accelerator or the brake. Luckily I stopped by Pastor Ted's place on the way down to pick up some crystal meth so I could stay awake for the ride.

Anyway, it was good to get out of Jersey, that state is full of fucking morons. More thoughts to follow...