The Funniest Blog I've Found Yet

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Bush Clearing Brush

PRESIDENT BUSH is clearing brush again. According to Deputy White House Press Secretary Trent Duffy, Bush is back in Crawford clearing brush, exercising, and solving the world's problems. You know what that means...

ANOTHER TERRORIST ATTACK IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

He Died For Your Vacation

New Bin Laden Tape

Oh Americans, can't you see that social security needs to be fixed? You would be wise not to fire Don Rumsfeld otherwise I might get you. I too am tired of these activist judges who want the gays to control everything. And it was right to let the assault weapons ban expire. See? God is great. Merry Christmas...
Glory Be To God!

-UBL

The CIA has not yet authenticated this tape, however the troops have all the armor they need.

RE: Tards

A FEW THINGS

First of all, Pat Gallagher. Wow. That's the luckiest guy in the 8th grade. Mystery solved. Secondly, who knew Tracy Morgan ever did something funny? Yet his Reggie White spoof was. Thirdly, congratulations on noticing my palindrome. You should be in Mensa. (I'll put in a good word with the NJ chapter president for you) Finally, the FCC responded to my complaint about Rush Limbaugh's offensive language. Here's the text:

FCC RE: RUSH LIMBAUGH

Dear Sean,

Fuck You.

Sincerely,

Michael Powell, FCC Chairmen

THE SYSTEM WORKS!!!!

George Carlin In Rehab

Interestingly, I just started reading his new book, "When will Jesus Bring The Porkchops?" last night. I thought to myself as I read it that if I were to take all of my blog posts and compile them in a book, it would be very similar in format -if not as funny.

Today I found out he's going into rehab for alcohol and Vicodin. Hmmm. Not that I have any personal experience with this but I bet he wrote most of his rants while sitting at the computer high on wine and vicodin.

It's not exactly Charlie Parker and heroin or Bob Marley and weed but something about the combination of alcohol and painkillers lets the attitude flow from the chip on the shoulder to the tips of the fingers with just a little more style.

IN OTHER NEWS

CNN thinks it's a real news organization with this Tsunami shit. Watching Tucker Carleson trying to be serious and compassionate instead of a smirking, elitist cock was laughable.

Then they brought out the heavy hitter - Sam Champion. Remember the GAY weatherman on Channel 7? Apparently he's an expert on underwater seismic events as well as ben-wa balls.

I prefer Fox News' lead on this story: WE DON'T CARE. At least they're honest.

POOR PEYTON

Had a little competition in the news dept. on his big day. Apparently Jesus has been bringing Reggie White the pork chops for a long time. So much so that it killed him.

Go Hang A Salami I'm A Lasagna Hog

Pink Freud

I'm on the wagon... for now. Nothing catastrophic I just got a little rusted out. I'm also trying to lay off the boob tube. Consequently I'm blogging my brains out.

Do you think there's already a band called "Pink Freud"?

Why is it when a girl gives you her number and says, "call me," what she really means is "don't call me."?

Why then do I always call? I hate that. You go from champ to chump so quickly. Then you become O.J. for awhile, then you're too cool, it doesn't bother you at all, and finally you get on with your life. And then you see the bitch the next day.

Brooks & Cheney

No, they're not some awful country band.

Lynne Cheney's op-ed was really great. Apparently, we all needed a 6th grade level history lesson. Here's a passage so pregnant with inadvertant irony you could call it a fetus and kill it's mother.

Twice in 10 days Washington and his ragtag army had defeated the greatest military power in the world, and thir victories lifted the spirits of patriots everywhere...because of the 10 day campaign that began on Christmas, they could now think of winning their war for independence. They could imagine that their great struggle would have a glorious end.

David Brooks on the other hand, must be cringing right now. In a column truly stunning for the depths of its pandering and the breadth of its disconnect from reality he all but declares World Peace and gives Bush the credit.

And yet here we are in this hopeful moment. It almost makes you think that all those bemoaners and condemners don't know what they are talking about. Nothing they have said over the past three years accounts for what is happening now.

It almost makes you think that Bush understands the situation better than the lot of them. HIS JUDGEMENTS NOW LOOK CORRECT.

This on a day when at least 19 American soldiers were killed in Iraq.

(Admittedly, he was speaking largely of the Israeli-Palestinian issue but just as they don't make any distinction between Iraq and Al-Qaeda, I don't make any distinctions when it comes to Bush's character or judgement calls.)

I urge you to read the entire NYTimes Op-Ed page today 12/21/04. As you can see, it fired me up.

Bush Eats Democrats' Testicles

Like our president, I have a gift for the "vision thing." Having correctly predicted that John Kerry would be elected president I feel obliged to share some of my soothsaying prowess from time to time. Here is the future as I foretell it:

2012 - President Bush, now in his third term, is named "Person Of The Year" by Time magazine for the 8th consecutive year.

2008 - SecDef Filowitz resigns unexpectedly, saying he "wants to spend more time with his family."

2006 - Democrats are ordered to turn in their testicles for "reasons of national security." Democratic leadership, not wanting to appear soft on terror, agrees saying, "It's not like we use them anyway." Purportedly, Pres. Bush likes to eat the testicles of his political adversaries in the fashion of Congo warlords and tribal chieftains.

2005 - Public schools barred from teaching the "theory" of evolution.

2004 - The mark of christ appears on baby stolen from dead mother's womb. People are said to be healed by touching the baby. Family charges $12.95 per miracle.

Rumsfeld Out, Filowitz In.

In an exclusive, The Breakfast has learned that SecDef Rumsfeld has finally succumbed to his longstanding desire to SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.

According to high level sources within the administration, President Bush plans on tapping former United Airlines executive Dan Filowitz to be the next Secretary of Defense.

Filowitz, considered a moderate by Washington insiders is known for his fiscal prudence and a hawkish, pro-Israeli position on the middle east.

However, it remains to be seen if President Bush's first nominee since the still simmering Bernie Kerik fiasco can survive the obligatory media shitstorm. Whispers already abound about alleged claims made by Filowitz about being able to stand on the Palisade cliffs and, "piss in Yonkers."

It is also rumored that his driving record is a little less than eternally spotless.

The President is said to have chosen Filowitz because he liked his personal story. The presumptive nominee was known as "the guy who pukes at parties" in high school, yet later went on to become an improv comedy star and borderline statutory rapist.

Like Mr. Kerik, Mr. Filowitz hails from New Jersey. However, longstanding rumors about him actually being born in CANADA have dogged Mr. Filowitz throughout his career and could potentially cloud his nomination chances.

Mannheim Steamroller - Fuck Yeah!

It's Christmas. And you know what that means -Mannheim Steamroller baby! As anyone who has ever worked at Tower Records will tell you, for some reason you start seeing these guys everywhere around Christmas.

I think these guys are like the Motley Crue of Christian midi-orchestra music, and that's no mean feat let me tell ya'.

I Had A Lot Of Great Ideas...

...while I was on the elliptical machine listening to Bjork. I can't find the words to describe, it was just a stream of images. The song, "Army Of Me," was playing.

A few weeks ago I saw this belly dancer at a family party. But there was nothing tawdry about her performance, she seemed to be slightly possessed to me, her eyes had a mad look, like some Aztec priest. She could've so easily been a Bar-Mitzvah whore and everyone would've still been satisfied but I was as impressed with her artistry as I was her hips. It was like a cave drawing jumped off the wall and was dancing in the living room.

Anyway, it was the mad look in her eyes that stayed with me. If you've seen "Kundun" she kind of reminded me of the Oracle. I know that sounds weird but I am weird. Getting a whiff of authentic Orientalism in your aunt's living room can leave an impression.

So I'm on the elliptical machine listening to "Army Of Me" and I start imagining things. I see this girl as the Statue Of Liberty dancing to Bjork and the camera catching the whites of her eyes and the gnashing of her teeth while the fire flickers in the background. Lots of strobe lights and odd angles. In between these images there's a lot of war footage and riots. That's about as well as I can describe it without ruining it.

The metaphor is Liberty gone mad. A rampaging berserk-a-saurus with sexual energy spilling out all over the place. I love it because it's art but it's also propaganda. Propaganda is no longer a dirty word. It's not the laughably false claims of our cold war arch-enemies anymore. It is an accepted tool for manufacturing public opinion. It is the steel toe on the media jackboot, the butt end of the government's truncheon.

I sure hope those faggot Democrats wake up to this fact. Because being republican lite ain't gonna' cut it. If they did they'd stop being such apologetic pussies and realize that most of the artists are on their side. And that what they need is art that compliments their rhetoric.

If you think about your favorite albums, bands etc... they all have artwork that compliments their music. Led Zeppelin had, in effect, it's own propaganda that greatly enhanced their popularity, and in their own way they conquered America.

BY THE WAY, I don't care if part of my grand-plan-which-is-never-going-to-happen glorifies violence. Our government, newsmedia, and movies all do the same. So fuck their moralizing questions. (when they interview me)

Whether it is a painting that inspires a war or a war that inspires a painting is not important. The job of visionary geniuses like me is to detect these subtle buildups of energy within society and then tease them out, so that they become as apparent as clothes hanging on a line to the average person.

I would like us to be the guy that picks up the tear gas canister and hurls it back at the police. If only symbolically.

(and by us I don't mean the zero to three people who could potentially be reading this, I mean the millions of people who someday will never know about the-grand-plan-which-is-never-going-to-happen.)

-ed note: if you have a good Ipod playlist and you set a reasonable pace on the elliptical machine, AND you can watch Monday Night Football, it's better than coke. I swear to god.

Oh Yeah, I Have A Blog

BY THE WAY, don't ever tell a girl you "publish a blog." As soon as you say the word "blog" you instantly turn into a talking turd in her eyes. Better to say "website."

I AM ON A PERSONAL WELLNESS RETREAT, aka I'm not working or vacationing, I'm simply sitting on the couch, taking my roommate's Vicodins, and watching football highlights for as long as I damn well please.

That's all folks.

At Least Hitler Painted...

... that's more than I can say for W.

To be fair and balanced... I think Michael Moore has jumped the shark. Just an instinct, I feel it in my krhum.

OUT ON THE WEEKEND - This loud, drunk, obnoxious girl mockingly asked me if I "voted for Kerry or Nader," after she finished some idiotic rant about how great Bush is. What she was saying though was basically, you're a pussy.

I told her, "I voted for drink in your face!" and left the table. (I was halfway through my second very large martini)

An hour and a half later she walked up to me and started kissing me without saying a word. I literally said, "take your ass to the curb." and made a shoo-ing gesture with my hand.

Her reply: "do you want a blowjob?"

I'm not making this up.

OUT ON THE WEEKEND 2 - I passed out with the phone book on my chest opened to the "escorts" section. I think that is the highest state of bachelordom.

BY THE WAY - She was right... I am a pussy. I found out later she has mental problems... No wonder she voted for Bush. Ha-ha!

Willow

If I had a life you wouldn't be reading this.
If I had a wife you wouldn't be reading this.

Got a bad haircut today,
It made me feel gay.

Watching "Platoon"
In an empty saloon
Called my living room.

"That's the way the gook laughs"

I can't live with myself
Or anyone else.

I peeled out of my driveway (the liquor store was closing in 10 minutes). I thought I heard a yelp as I opened the car door but quickly dismissed it. As I was exiting the driveway I saw that an SUV was pulled over on the side of the road in front of the house and a mother was carefully tending to her little son as he hurled all over the leaves I had so diligently raked up last weekend. Evidently, this was the source of the yelp. I felt immensely sad for a moment.

Remember that girl "Willow" in B.F. who supposedly sucked Dave Bowers' dick? She was tall and had a speech impediment so when she said her own name it sounded like, "wiwwohh."
She had a Drew Barrymore'esque quality to her. I always thought that was hot!