75 - 0

Ken Jennings, Jeopardy champion.


2.52 million. - "What is the amount of money Ken Jennings won on Jeopardy.?"

75 - "What is the number of consecutive shows he won?"

0 - "What is the amount of times this guy has gotten laid because he's the all time Jeopardy champion?"

Target: Target

The Gays and The French ARE coming to your town. Their trojan horse is a little five-and-dime called Target.

Because they hate America and wish to humiliate REAL Americans (i.e. average Joes like you and me) these fancy pants elitists and sodomites have secretly re-named once familar objects like "pillowcases."

This confuses God-fearing heterosexual males who become bewildered when they cannot locate their desired product IMMEDIATELY and are forced to do the one thing they hate most in life -ask a clerk for help.

Then you have to suffer the further humiliation of being ridiculed for using outdated terminology no longer approved by the French/Gay axis.

"Oh, you mean pillow shams."

"Pillow shams?"

"Yeah, they're over in Bedding right next to the duvet covers. You'll probably need a bedskirt to go with those."

Duvet covers? Pillow shams? A BEDSKIRT? Oh, see we used to call them PILLOWCASES AND BLANKETS YOU #$%#$$%*%^*$$@$^!"

By the time you've gotten your pillow shams, duvet cover, and bedskirt and decided if you want the 250 or the 300 thread count Egyptian cotton, your masculinity is like

Then you've got to get what we used to call "pants." Fortunately, now that you've been converted into a French speaking homosexual you know how to correctly locate them.

"Excuse me, where are the gabardine-twill-bootcut-urban-relaxed-fit-chinos?"

Before, the clerk's eyes used to flash with anger and his reply reeked of condescension. But now he lights up.

"Oh they're right over here come with me."

You're one of them now. You liesurely stroll towards the checkout line. You stop to pick up a copy of "Fifty First Dates." The manager gives you a sly nod of approval (impulse purchases of sexually ambiguous products is the highest form of patriotism in Ingsuck, the official ideology of the French/Gay axis.)

You're starting to get used to this French/Gay thing, you might even like it. Then, just before you reach the cashier you stop to peruse the National Enquirer. For a moment, you pretend to consider whether it's worth $2.69 to find out if Kelly Ripa's husband is cheating on her but deep down, you know it's a charade. (Of course it's worth it.)

At that moment you're transformation is complete. You feel flush with civic pride. You smile graciously at the cashier and fasten your mass produced urine antennae to your head as you head out into the dark and stormy night of Ceasar's arrogant ganglion.

Let The Nausea Begin

The Holiday season which I so especially LOATHE is now officially upon us.

Thanksgiving was interesting this year. Usually everyone starts drinking around noon. Add to that mix a bunch of explosively neurotic family members with opposite politics and a turkey that is "almost there" for three hours.

A poll is conducted at the dinner table to find out which way the undecideds broke. This reporter announces that several family members will "not be allowed on the ark" due to support of Bush. It almost gets ugly.

Cousin reprises a funny story about getting diagnosed as Bi-polar and quitting his job.

"Dad, uhh... I quit my job... and I'm Jesus Christ"

Guess you had to be there.

I am a nervous wreck throughout and most of them annoyed the shit out of me. Except for Nana. Who is a Republican but will still be allowed on the ark.

Drive-by Sausages

"We love you!"

Dig the real Ozzy. "Drive-by sausages" is not the name of a Bergen Catholic party, it's what the reporter for The Guardian thought Ozzy said in this article about Ozzy's baubles getting burgled.

Transcript: An Actual Conversation

ME: Yeah, uhh... I have this charge on my checking balance and I have no idea what it is.

WOMAN: Ok, let me just verify some information... your name etc...

ME: So can you tell me what it is?

WOMAN: Sir, Web Transaction Services handles over 10,000 website's transactions.

ME: Okay, but if I give you my account number can you tell me which one specifically?

WOMAN: What is your checking account #?

ME: ------------------

(This was all on speakerphone)

WOMAN: password scores; username p-u-s-s-y.

ME: Sorry, I didn't get that.

WOMAN: (louder) password scores; username p-u-s-s-y.

ME: I -uh, It's not clear can you say it again?

WOMAN: (even louder) PASSWORD SCORES; USERNAME P-U-S-S-Y!

ME: I'm not deaf it's just not clear what you're saying-

WOMAN: Well sir, take me off speaker phone.

ME: Okay.

WOMAN: The password is SCORES; username PUSSY (this time she pronounced it instead of spelling it). The website is ASIANPORN.COM, is that something you've used?

ME: (indignant) Absolutely not!

WOMAN: That's not familiar to you SCORES/PUSSY/ASIAN PORN? on Oct. 8?

ME: (suddenly remembering a very drunken night) No.

WOMAN: Well I'll cancel it, but you'll have access until Dec. 22nd.

ME: Thanks.

THIS POOR WOMAN WAS SHOUTING "SCORES PUSSY" OVER AND OVER AGAIN OVER MY SPEAKERPHONE AND I HONESTLY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.

JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS!

I Moved

...to East Brunswick. Yay. It's right next to a little place called Milltown. The mill has since closed and been converted into condominiums. Maybe they should call it Condotown?

To sit around a bar with a bunch of workin' men who've been laid off is depressing. To sit around a bar with a bunch of workin' men while a Chinaman sucks the marrow from our "backbone" is downright fucking bizarre.

These men sit around like husks of their former selves, pouring vile whiskey into their ulcerated stomachs. Meanwhile vultures like me circle from above, collecting souvenirs for my grand plan. Which is never going to happen. Of course, all of this happened before...

But at least then they had a place in society that made sense. Now nothing makes sense. You stave off misery for a few hours with intravenous trips to Target where you gag on the abundancy of useless shit. You die at red lights. You traverse god-forsaken highways and state routes that connect your television set to the places where you can impulsively buy things you don't need.

You think about when you can get some more pellets for the pellet gun you found in the basement. So you can shoot any small furry varmints that dare trespass on this here land. You tell yourself it's OK because you're going to eat the thing, whatever it is.

You tell yourself that your being self sufficient, living off the land, getting in touch with nature. But really you just want to kill something.

That's my rap. Dig it.

Down In The Dumps

Driving down the NJ Turnpike on the way home from work I passed a dump. Then, I passed an oil refinery. Then I passed another dump, and then... another oil refinery. Then I arrived at a dump (my house). Finally, I took a dump, after which the whole house smelled like an oil refinery.

My Inner Child

Silence

I'm Drunk.

Pres. Bush Calls Peterson Conviction A "Victory" In War On Terror

"You can run but you can't hide"

President Bush today in remarks to the White House press pool called the Scott Peterson conviction a "major victory" in the War On Terror. "I said after Sept. the 11th that uhh... th-that- Peterson would be brought... to justice."

The Peterson conviction also marks the first conviction for former Attorney General John Ashcroft in his broad sweep of terror suspects.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney had to get the oil changed in his heart this weekend. The Veep usually checks in about four times a year to get his valves lubed and his ventricles primed.

Doctors reported that Cheney would surely live because Hell just isn't big enough for him and Yasser Arafat right now.

Asked by reporters how he felt about his son's conviction, Scott Peterson's father George Peterson replied strangely, "Rooney, you sir are an asshole!"

You Son Of A Millworker

Watch the son of a millworker (John Edwards) spend 15 minutes on his hair and makeup. I meant to put this in a long time ago but forgot. It's kind of pointless now but...

Good Grief

Somebody Get Me A Doctor

If a person had the personality traits of the cable news networks he'd be diagnosed as manic with a borderline dissociative disorder.

Patient babbles incoherently at times and appears to be losing touch with reality. Plus, patient never sleeps, is "on" 24hrs. a day, and seems to think he works FOR the government. Patient even claims that the President of the United States occassionaly speaks to him, giving him subliminal suggestions on how he should use his incredible reach to warp the minds of Americans.

What a wack-job.

A Guess None Of You Liked My Doctored Bush Speech

SO FUCK YOU! I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT.

Fucking USA

Is this what they mean by a backdoor draft?

A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. -John Hancock (July 4, 1776)

If you want to watch something kind of funny click the title. Click cancel if it asks you to install a translation. It should automatically go to the link in engrish.

Speaking Of "Values"

The New Yorker made a good point in this week's mag. What about the values of the 55 million people who voted for John Kerry?

Thank god for the New Yorker. This week they treat their readers to some unapologetic elitism. Here's an excerpt from a very stimulating article about the national debate over the direction of politics and journalism... in the FRENCH media, most notably Le Monde.

"It is not that an ex-Trotskyite is in any way expected to believe in Trotskyism. It is just that what the William Morris mailroom is to Hollywood, Trotskyism was to a generation in French politics and journalism"

They took the words right out of my mouth. There's nothing New York's intellectual elites secretely enjoy more than being condescended to. This article is downright masochistic in it's snobbery. And while reading it you'll inevitably find yourself fantasizing about sitting in some outdoor cafe in France, reading this article, and thanking god you're in FRANCE instead of that horrible America with le bourgoise bandit Bush. By the time you're done reading you'll be comforted and reminded that, "it's OK, you're still much better than everyone else." And that afterall, is what's really important.

P.S. -doesn't Lester Holt look a little like O.J. Simpson? Just asking...

I Killed Laci Peterson

"That's right baby talk to Lester. Who's your daddy?"

I did it. I confess. Now, can we please, please, please fucking get on with it already? . I'd rather hear about how Lester Holt pimps all the MSNBC hoes. By the way, what kind of "values" do we care about when our beloved media is openly rooting for someone's death? (Arafat) These sickening worms have nearly succeeded in ruining this country. I hope they die.

The New Democrats

If the Democrats ever want to regain the presidency and the majority they're going to have to find a superstar candidate. Maybe one of Bill Clinton's illegitimate black children will turn up speaking fluent spanish and english. Otherwise they might consider finding the next Ross Perot. After all it's not that Clinton completely creamed the incumbent Bush in '92, it was the Perot factor. Perot was a businessman with a Texas accent who kept the republicans from polarizing the race and allowed Bill Clinton's bullshit message of hope to flourish.

Either that or let the republicans pass the constitutional amendment allowing foreign born citizens to run for president and then draft Tony Blair to come over and wipe the floor with the Gropinator.

Jesusland

"If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." -- Matthew 15:14

Penthouse Forum

I was just doing some research and had to check out the penthouse forum website. Man I'm out of touch. The sample letter was the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Those letters used to be fucking great.

My Version Of Bush's Press Conference

A diminutive looking "President" Bush holds the first press conference of the 43rd reich.

I took the transcript of President Bush's Nov. 4th, 2004 press conference and replaced the following words on the left, with words I thought better conveyed his intentions on the right:

the people = those stupid motherfuckers

American people = ignorant hicks who voted for me

agenda = the bullshit

Tony Blair = your bitch

Democrats = girlie-men

freedom = christianity

democracy = fascism

Q Mr. President -- thank you. As you look at your second term, how much is the war in Iraq going to cost? Do you intend to send more troops, or bring troops home? And in the Middle East, more broadly, do you agree with Your bitch that revitalizing the Middle East peace process is the single most pressing political issue facing the world?

THE PRESIDENT: Now that I've got the will of those stupid motherfuckers at my back, I'm going to start enforcing the one-question rule. That was three questions. (Laughter.)

I'll start with Your bitch's comments. I agree with him that the Middle East peace is a very important part of a peaceful world. I have been working on Middle Eastern peace ever since I've been the President.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. How will you go about bringing people together? Will you seek a consensus candidate for the Supreme Court if there's an opening? Will you bring some Girlie-men into your Cabinet?

THE PRESIDENT: Again, he violated the one-question rule right off the bat. Obviously, you didn't listen to the will of those stupid motherfuckers. But, first of all, there's no vacancy for the Supreme Court, and I will deal with a vacancy when there is one. And I told those stupid motherfuckers on the campaign trail that I'll pick somebody who knows the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law. You might have heard that several times. I meant what I said. And if people are interested in knowing the kind of judges I'll pick, look at the record. I've sent up a lot of judges, well-qualified people who know the law, who represent a judicial temperament that I agree with and who are qualified to hold the bench.

The second part of your two-part question?

Q Any Girlie-men to your Cabinet, by any chance?

THE PRESIDENT: I haven't made any decisions on the Cabinet, yet.

Q How else will you bring people together?

THE PRESIDENT: We'll put out the bullshit that everybody understands and work with people to achieve the bullshit. Girlie-men want a free and peaceful world, and we'll -- and right away, right after September the 11th we worked very closely together to secure our country. There is a common ground to be had when it comes to a foreign policy that says the most important objective is to protect the Ignorant hicks who voted for me and spread christianity and fascism. It's common ground when it comes to making sure the intelligence services are able to provide good, actionable intelligence to protect our people. It's not a Republican issue, it's a Republican and Girlie-Men issue. So I'm -- plenty of places for us to work together

There is a certain attitude in the world, by some, that says that it's a waste of time to try to promote free societies in parts of the world. I've heard that criticism. Remember, I went to London to talk about our vision of spreading christianity throughout the greater Middle East. And I fully understand that that might rankle some, and be viewed by some as folly. I just strongly disagree with those who do not see the wisdom of trying to promote free societies around the world.

If we are interested in protecting our country for the long-term, the best way to do so is to promote christianity and fascism...

Q Do you feel more free, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, in terms of feeling free, well, I don't think you'll let me be too free. There's accountability and there are constraints on the presidency, as there should be in any system. I feel -- I feel it is necessary to move the bullshit that I told the Ignorant hicks who voted for me I would move. Something refreshing about coming off an election, even more refreshing since we all got some sleep last night, but there's -- you go out and you make your case, and you tell those stupid motherfuckers this is what I intend to do. And after hundreds of speeches and three debates and interviews and the whole process, where you keep basically saying the same thing over and over again, that when you win, there is a feeling that those stupid motherfuckers have spoken and embraced your point of view, and that's what I intend to tell the Congress, that I made it clear what I intend to do as the President, now let's work to -- and those stupid motherfuckers made it clear what they wanted, now let's work together.

And it's one of the wonderful -- it's like earning capital. You asked, do I feel free. Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style. That's what happened in the -- after the 2000 election, I earned some capital. I've earned capital in this election -- and I'm going to spend it for what I told those stupid motherfuckers I'd spend it on, which is -- you've heard the bullshit: Social Security and tax reform, moving this economy forward, education, fighting and winning the war on terror.

Q What you learned --

THE PRESIDENT: Learned and not learned about the Cabinet?

Q What works, what doesn't.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, well, first I've learned that I put together a really good Cabinet. I'm very proud of those stupid motherfuckers that have served this government, and they -- to a man and a woman, worked their hearts out for the Ignorant hicks who voted for me.

Q: Blah, blah, blah

THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate that. I was anticipating this question; that, what is the first thing you're going to do? When it comes it legislation, it just doesn't work that way, particularly when you've laid out a comprehensive bullshit. And part of that comprehensive bullshit is tax simplification.

The -- first of all, a principle would be revenue neutral. If I'm going to -- if there was a need to raise taxes, I'd say, let's have a tax bill that raises taxes, as opposed to let's simply the tax code and sneak a tax increase on those stupid motherfuckers. It's just not my style. I don't believe we need to raise taxes. I've said that to the Ignorant hicks who voted for me. And so the simplification would be the goal

Solemn Doody

.
Anyone else laugh everytime Bush uses the word "duty"?

White Wilderness - The Other America

Inside the Bush team's heartland strategy.

It's About Yay Long

John Kerry on why he won the nomination over Howard Dean.

Man Tries To "Save" Lions

"Jesus loves you!"

Click title to watch this guy try to convert two lions to christianity. They should have shot him with the tranquilizer gun, not the lions.

They Did It Again

"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." - Josef Stalin

Anyway, as I put on the blog I had a distinctly bad vibe from the whole process of voting. I just don't trust those machines. I commented today how the pundits were so proud there weren't many problems voting this time. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about the counting of votes. What good are all those attorneys watching polls if you can't verify your vote? All exit polls indicated a strong Kerry lead. I hope somebody makes a stink about these fucking machines! I'd like to see a map contrasting swingstate districts that didn't have the machines and 2000 and those that did in 2004. Anyway, I'm giving myself a few days media holiday to recup. I just don't feel like arguing right now.

Think about this. In 2006 there are midterm elections. They only need 5 more senate seats before they have enough guaranteed votes to change the constitution.

Epilogue

Teresa leaves John. Heartbroken, John windsurfs across the English channel to France where he gives a speech about the corruption of the aristocracy and planting the seeds of a new revolution in America based on the French Revolution. He promptly dies of an undiagnosed perforated colon in the middle of his oration. Terry McAwful (as Rush calls him) moves to California and enrolls in dialect classes in order to learn how to speak english with an Austrian accent. No more flattened a's for him. Ted Kennedy goes on a bender and gains 20 lbs. (Okay, that would've happened anyway) The Kerry Daughters go on to become award winning documentary filmmakers. John Edwards goes on to become an exterminator and later, speaker of the house.

Quato, the half Iranian, half Klingon mutant that uses Dick Cheney's hollow chest cavity as his base of operations decides that he needs a more spacious undisclosed location and abandons his host's shell. Authorities are puzzled when they discover the Vice President has no internal organs during an autopsy.

NPR and PBS become National Protestant Radio and the Petroleum Broadcasting System respectively. The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth recieve a lifetime achievement award from President Bush (Jeb) for most effective political attack ad ever. Bozo goes on to write copy and be a segment producer for Al Gorezeera, the new left leaning cable news network. He is later terminated for excessive tardiness and goes through a period of drug addled depression. (oh wait, that already happened)

Al Gore, still bleeding from the ass after the 2000 election runs for president again and is again defeated. The day after the election it is revealed that Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert are actually republicans and there is no liberal media. The nation is stunned.

Finally, at a conservative rally a group of anarchists release hundreds of helium filled sex dolls. Thinking that rapture is upon them them the group, including George W. Bush, mistakenly commit mass suicide on national TV. The nation is stunned.

Whose Country Is This?

We are now governed by the televangelist ethic. What the fuck happened? I guess Rove knows his electorate. He said 3 to 4 million evangelicals stayed home in 2000. This year they all came out to defend their families and communities against those faggot democrats. Anyone else not sleep last night?

Bozo had a panic attack last night at about 2:30 or 3:00 am. Because Bozo is strong like Stalin and has a big khrum he does not get all the classic symptoms (racing heartbeat etc...) It's more like he feels like he's on the thin ice of sanity and is racked by visceral discomfort. Luckily, it passed and now he is just depressed. -Actually depressed, not pretend depressed. Not that I give a shit about Kerry, I just feel like it's not my country anymore. I have no representation. Here' s my plan for the future...

A Moment Of Zen

"God Bless The U.S. & A." (.wav)

Democracy Maybe

I just voted, and it felt... icky. The people at the poll were STOO-PITT and unfriendly. Maybe I'm a little bit paranoid about this election but I felt I was being regarded suspiciously. They couldn't find my name at first and I literally had to find it myself, point to it, and keep my finger their for about 15 seconds until the light went on in this not-very-good-english-speaking man's head. Then I had to show i.d. Why? I asked, while simultaneously showing it to them. Uhh... there's a lot of new rules was the answer. So I signed my name and they gave me some little piece of paper. Then I had to give this little piece of paper to someone else who let me in the new electronic voting machine.

When my mother returned from casting her ballot she told me that she tried to do it but nothing was working. She told the poll worker who then turned some knob in the back of it while exclaiming, "Oh, thank you."

You see the problem was it wasn't turned on.

At 10:30am, four and a half hours after the poll opened. And people were pretty much getting funneled to this one machine. I'm pretty confident that the mostly elderly or semi-retarded poll workers have absolutely zero familiarity with e-voting, or computers for that matter.

I didn't get any paper reciept of my vote or anything. For all I know the little piece of paper I had to give to the poll worker went right down the rabbit hole. There was just a vibe of strangeness about the whole ordeal, and I did not like it.

Why are some people required to show I.D. and not others? Black people in the inner city do not like showing their I.D. to unfriendly white strangers. So what's the criteria? There was just way too much opportunity for confusion. Voting should be as simple as possible. I'm holding my breath...

We Shall Overcome - Inertia

Whatever happens this election, we will have achieved something -- the mobilization of the left of center crowd to do... something.

-Atrios

Inertia is the tendency of an object at rest to stay at rest. Thanks to The Blog, peace be upon him, all the backseat drivers and monday morning quarterbacks have a dog in this fight. Before we never had an outlet for our derisiveness.

Although I often spoke with eloquence and passion on matters political and philosophical while draining the last two ounces of a 40oz. while standing under a bridge in the dead of winter, I never really felt comfortable "doing anything" about it. Now I can do something about "it" (sort of) without having to feel totally lame at some community/activist/bullshit meeting.

Now you can help The Cause without having to chain yourself to a tree or fake unity with some pretentious hippy asshole. I hate the smell of patchouli, and I hate the "concern" of liberals but I've always been politically in the same camp as them. I've also always been loathe to be identified as one thing or another, democrat, liberal, commie etc...

All of these things conspired to keep me and a lot of others out of the process. (Attending pot rallies does not count) But now I feel like a tiny cog in the machine, and it ain't so bad.

-Bozo

All The Presidents' Words

If you could read the captions they'd say this:

Reagan - "Well..."

Clinton - "I feel your pain."

Bush - "I uhh..."

Kerry - "I have a plan."

Nixon - "Goddamn jews in the media."

I think these statements pretty much capture the essence of the man. Whichever man that is. I remember from my youth, Reagan always prefacing a lie with a raise of the eyebrows and a folksy, "Well...". And who could forget Clinton's faux compassion which he distilled into an "I feel your pain" message and rode like a donkey for 8 years. Then, there's Bush's abominable performances in press conferences or basically anytime someone who's not a sycophant asked him a question. Remember the "I uhh..." gaps? Awful. And Senador Kerry, what are your positions on health care, terrorism, the war in Iraq, the deficit, etc...? "I have a plan. I'm not going to explain it to you but if you go to my website you can look it up." Gee thanks. Ohh yeah, Tricky Dick really did hate the Jew York Times. It's an old republican thing, like voter suppression and religiosity.

Nader Debates Dolls

This is your campaign on drugs.

This is the fourth debate which the fourth estate won't let u see. Watch Ralph Nader debate dolls representing Kerry and Bush. Wonkette has this on her website but now that I bothered to watch it (about 1 min.) it's even more pathetic than it looks.